Mission Adoptable

Well, we did it.  We hosted an amazing fundraiser this past Sunday.  We had 104 people attend and raised twice the amount of money that we were hoping to raise!  We are still on track to be shown to birth moms right around Valentine's Day.  I feel hope.  I feel lucky.  I feel good.

I did not think that I would have the capacity to feel any of those things not too long ago. I will admit now that I was so wrong.


One of the many tables of supporters



Crowd shot

The event was from 12-4.  We got there around 10 and started setting up.  A former coworker of mine donated her DJ services.  Another friend offered to help run the basket donations.  Gary's dad and brother, as well as my brother, sold raffle tickets like they have never been sold before.  One friend donated the beer.  Some family donated the wine.  We got a discount on the food as the owner of the restaurant we used also used adoption to grow his family.  We had more than 15 baskets to raffle and many gift cards, certificates good for ski lifts, house painting, my hair saloon and more.  I was watching it all come in and unfold and was mesmerized. All of this for us?

We ran out of hot food within the first 2 hours and had to order 10 pizzas!  We never expected the turnout to be as grand as it was!

We had support from the start..."How can I help?" was texted and emailed to me over and over.  We had support setting up.  We had support breaking everything down.  I remember my mom telling me to take a minute to absorb the magnitude of the day...and the love that was in the fire hall that day.  


We had an agenda that we tried to abide by...welcome announcement at this time, 50/50 raffle at that time.  My dear husband who is usually much more introverted than I am, worked that room like it was something he did every Sunday!   We saw so many people from our life interacting and laughing and having a good time.  I saw faces that I had not seen in years.  We had friends come in from Connecticut to Virginia and states in-between!

The pictures are starting to come in. Here is a small sampling. We are going to use some of the group shots for our Profile Book so that we can show just how much love and light is in our lives.

The event was such a success that our Adoption Social Worker asked me to write an article about it for their company newsletter!

Our story is not over.  Our daughter made sure of that.  A new chapter is about to begin.

Our nephews and niece orchestrated a karaoke contest.  Gary and I tied!



"Here Comes the Sun" - our song for Allie and now her little brother or sister



Some of our loving friends



Some of the generous donations to be raffled off



Another popular raffle

 


Baskets everywhere!

Desserts For Sale - BIG hit!

From the personal piggy bank of a special little boy

Home Study

On Wednesday, our Adoption Social Worker came over for our Home Sudy.  It was the last part of the evaluation and the "in-person" segment of all the paperwork that was due earlier this month.  We cleaned and dusted and vacuumed and left work early to eagerly await her arrival.

We really like our social worker.  She is honest and compassionate and I would imagine she takes a lot of pride in her job. I would also imagine her job is much more than that to her.  She came in to our house and we gave her the tour.  It was a brief one - this is the kitchen, this is the garage...but enough for her to see where our baby will one day live. We showed her our guest room and explained that it will one day be converted back into a nursery and we are looking forward to having a reason to do that.

Then we sat at the dining room table and began to talk.  She asked us some questions about the paperwork we filled out and then we had the chance to ask her some of our questions, too.  We had an informative conversation and talked frankly and openly.  We had given her an advance copy of our Profile Book (the book that will be used for potential birth mothers to get to know us) and she had a few suggestions for us to make to it.  

She told us that in getting to know us on paper and in person, she can tell how much Allie is a part of our lives.  She pointed to the chair next to her and said that she was so sure that Allie was even at this table with us right now.  But she warned us to be careful in how we tell our story.  We do not want a pregnant woman to feel sorry for us and then give us her baby - we want her to give us her child because she knows that Gary and I are the right parents for that child.  It hurt me a little bit to think that we came off that way - I do not now nor did I ever want any pity, but I could see what she was saying.  If you do not know us and you only know 8-10 pages of us, reading Allie's story can create sympathy.  And perhaps pity.  So we are going to fix it so that in the same short amount of pages, we can create joy and light - the emotions that we still feel when thinking about our daughter.  We want anyone reading to know we are strong and that knowing our daughter has made us better people - and that is the opposite of pity!

And about an hour later, she left.  We felt it was a very good visit and we were relieved that we could check one more thing off of our list.  We smiled and hugged and felt good.  We went to dinner to celebrate.  

Earlier today, we got an email with the official home study approval attached!  We are good to go!!!

We have a 1/2 day class on February 6th to review our Profile Book and discuss how they are going to "market" us.  One February 9th, we get together to make a 5 minute video for potential birth moms to see.  Then, once our Profile Book is edited and reviewed and printed, we go "live".  In essence, we could be shown to birth mothers as soon as mid-February!  Which means we could be matched while there is still snow on the ground. Or it could take longer.  We will have to be patient and see.  One thing is for sure, our baby is out there for us - I just know it!

This weekend is our big fundraiser.  Even without ticket sales, we have already raised over $5,000!!!  And the gifts and donations keep coming.  We are expecting well over 100 people to come out on Sunday and are so excited that so many want to come out and help us and love us and be there for us.  What a blessing.  If I think too much about it, it brings tears to my eyes.

I am so very thankful.  I can't wait until the day I can blog with my baby boy or girl sitting (or squirming!) in my lap.  I am starting to let myself imagine what it will look like for Gary to read our child a book before bed.   To imagine the guest room turned back into a nursery.  To almost hear the sounds of laughter and giggling within these walls.  It feels so good to have hope again.  To know that there will be a baby here with us some day.  Maybe even some day soon!

Just the Beginning

It started when we lost Allie.  People wanted to do all that they could to help us.  They sent food.  They sent flowers.  They sent cards.  Many wanted to come over and sit with us.  Most wanted to take the pain away.  As the dust settled and the hours turned to days and days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, what I remember most of those dark days was the pain.  What I remember next was that we were never alone.

After a tedious year of medical intervention and stress and injections and hormones, we decided enough was enough.  We were physically and mentally exhausted and we made no progress to grow our family and we were not doing as much as we could do to honor our daughter, either.

Making the plan to adopt was easy once we we decided that was what we wanted to do. Gary and I were and are on the same page and knew that we wanted to be parents...how we got there was not really the issue! The more time that has passed and the more papers that we have filled out has just confirmed that this is so right for us.  We have a whole day education class this week and I can't wait to spend time with other people like us that have also made adoption their plan. 

The only issue that bothers me is that I can't really plan for a baby like I could when I was pregnant.  I have no idea if our baby has been conceived yet (I suspect her or she has!). I can't call and set up my FMLA for work as I have no expected date as to when I will be out on leave.  I can't think of what we will do when we first bring the baby home because we have never gotten that far before.  As different as the path of adoption is, the planning for a baby is familiar territory for us.  But the rest is not.  

I do not want to set up the nursery until we have the baby here with us, in our arms.  I am not sure I can stand the emptiness of that room again.  We have a boy name and we have a girl name so in that respect, we are ahead of the game.  But no shopping, no shower, no anything until we have our baby home.  I suppose that is normal for parents who have lost a child, but I don't always love our new normal.

Still, I choose not to dwell on that and instead focus on the positives.  I wrote before about Random Acts, but I still can't wrap my head around the kindness of the people that have donated money to us to help us bring our baby home.  We are hosting a fundraiser event at the end of this month and have over 90 people coming out to support us.  We have already raised more money than I had hoped and that's without selling a single ticket!  I should have listened harder when people said they wanted to help because they really do. The icing in the cake?  I went to talk to a local restaurant on Friday to discuss them catering our event and the owner adopted his daughter.  His eyes welled up when I explained that our benefit was to help with the adoption costs.  He gave us a huge discount and is coming over to set it all up for free.  Amazing.

This baby, our rainbow, will be raised by a village.  He or she has already been welcomed into our family.  His or her cousins are ready to play with him or her.  My mom said she can already feel the baby in her arms.  I know Gary and I feel that there is more than enough room in our hearts.  And as it gets closer, we will physically get ready for our baby, too.  Allie's little brother or sister is coming...we may not know how and we may not know when, but one thing is for sure, our baby will someday (soon) be coming home!  

It started when we lost Allie.  But it will not and did not end when we lost Allie.  She was just the beginning.

Another Year

I have not been blogging as much of late but it's not that I have not been writing.  Over this little vacation from work (best use of vacation days EVER!), Gary and I have written more about ourselves and each other than ever before!  We both have completed our autobiographies for the adoption agency as well as all of the other forms.  In total, I think we have written between 15-20 pages each and our fingers are numb. 

But we are not complaining.  Each question we answer, each form we fill out...they all bring us closer to our baby.   OUR BABY!  It's becoming more and more of a reality.  Our hope is back.  Our excitement and anticipation is back.  We are back.

There is no way to fill out his paperwork and not reflect on our lives.  The agency wants to know everything there is to know about us so they can match us with the baby that is meant to be ours.  We have had to detail the many facets of our relationship.  And then our relationship with our parents.  Our parents relationship with each other.  Our relationships with our siblings.  Our relationships with our friends.  Our work history.  Our feelings on adoption.  Our religious views.  Our ways to cope with stress.  Our ways to cope with grief and loss.  See?  Lots of writing!

Amid all the papers and clearances, a few things have become very clear.  

1. Allie is very much present in our lives and has helped shape the people that we are and the people we have become.  
2. We have the most amazing support system in the world.  From our families to our friends and to the friends of friends and friends of family. 
3. We will become parents again.

It's been a full year without Allie.  I did not carry her or hold her in 2012.  And yet she is just as much a part of us as she was last year.  And as she will be next year. 

Today I am not angry that she is gone.  I am just happy I got to know her at all.  Not sure I will feel like that tomorrow, but I know the value of feeling what I feel in the moment.

Our fundraising event is well under way.  It's less than a month away now.  We have sold more than half the tickets we have and so many people have offered their help in so many ways.  Without even counting the ticket sales, we have already raised about $3,000!! Many donations are not reflected here, but trust me, we have been receiving them.  From friends and family far and wide and from complete strangers, too.  People who heard our story and want to help.   There are no words.  Well, there are.  Thank you.

"I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

...except it hasn't.  This lyric from Les Misérables has resonated with me so much since that dark day in April 2011 is not longer true for me.  My life is not over.  My dreams have not died.

And so I look upon this new year with hope and love and joy.  For I think this coming year is going to bring all of those things to my family of 3.  Gary, Allie and me.

Random Acts

It's been 2 weeks since my last post. Have I ever gone that long in between posts?  So much has happened in the last 2 weeks.  The world is not the same place as I left it when I last signed on to this space.

We are deeply immersed in the adoption home study process.  Last weekend we got fingerprinted and I am proud to report that both our FBI checks came back clear!  The Child Abuse history also came back "NO RECORD EXISTS" and as far as the PA State Police, we are also clear! We have gone through 2 home study classes which were a half day each and met other parents who are in the same stages as us.  We have told our stories and shared our fears and it has been very powerful.

We have finalized the details of our "beef and beer" which is really a "pasta and beer" and we are getting a lot of interest from our local friends and family.  It should be a great event and we are looking forward to celebrating our almost baby with those that have supported us from the start.

My online campaign, though, is what has blown me away.  Our site has been posted on my blog and on Facebook and it's spread like wildfire.  We have raised almost $2,000!  And get this - a fair amount of our donations are from people that do not know us.  People that know of us from a friend or a relative or people that want to just do a random act and hope that by doing so, their generosity will make the world a better place.  A safer place.

When the tragedy in Connecticut happened last week, my heart, along with the hearts of so many of us across the world, just broke.  How can something like that happen? WHY?  I was angry and sad and I wanted to write a letter to each of those poor children's parents and let them know that they are not alone.  There are so many of us mom's and dad's out there who also had to bury our children.  Is it the same thing?  A stillborn vs a baby who died of SIDS vs a 6 year old?   The answer is no.  It's not the same.  And yet the anger and the loss and the grief and the fear and the pain?  Well I imagine that is pretty much universal.  

I feel a peace with Allie these days that I have not really felt before.  I feel her with me, eagerly awaiting her little brother or sister to come home to her house.  I worry that when her brother or sister arrives, it will make it all that much harder for me to realize that there should be 2 children here and not just 1.  But I feel she will help me through that.  I grieve for her and I miss her and that is a part of my every day.  I also love her and feed on her memory and her love and that is also a part of my every day.

There is so much in life that we can't control.  There is so much that we can't understand.  We can, though, practice random acts of kindness to those we know and those we don't even know.  We can pay it forward and do our part to make this world a place where we want to raise our kids. We can make it better.  We can at least try.

I think of those parents just a few states away from here and I think of their agony and their loss.  It's so very raw in the beginning.  It's so fresh.  I hope that as the news trucks pull away and the services are all over, that they are surrounded by loved ones to just sit there with them.  Hug them.  Love them.  Keep the memories of their children alive. Please know that we care.  We will remember.  We are so very sorry that you have to experience this pain and we will be kind to each other. We will practice random acts.  We will never forget.

Then vs. Now

Then:  Candles, romantic dinner, ovulation calendar, pregnancy test, doctor's appointments, baby showers, no baby.

Now: Meetings, paper work, background checks, fundraisers, being chosen, baby.

There is more than one way to form a family and Gary and I are in the middle of learning that.  

And we could not be more excited.
 
Things are moving full speed ahead in our house and there is a buzz and an excitement that has not been here since I was pregnant.  We went to our first Home Study Class on Tuesday and learned about all the documents and items that we need to gather before we can be "shown" to birth mothers.  We have spent every day gathering pay stubs and tax returns and bank statements and verification of employment and making appointments for physicals and working on our "profile book" which will be a tell all of us and why we should be parents.

And we could not be more excited.

I know that in the traditional way of having a baby, you need none of those things.  You do not need to write an autobiography that can be 10-15 pages long to bring a baby home from the hospital.  You do not need a social worker to come to you house and "approve" it.  But we do not care.  We are far from traditional anymore.  We understand the need for all our i's to be dotted and our t's to be crossed...this is not a loan we are looking for - it's a baby.  Our baby.

And we could not be more excited.

Allie made us parents. There is no denying that.  We are so ready, though, to bring a baby home and parent.  And as that baby grows, we will tell him or her about her older sister and all the joy that she brought us.  And how she ultimately brought him or her home to us because loving her made us realize all the more that we wanted to be parents again.

Last night we did some holiday shopping after work.  We were looking for clothes and toys for our nieces and it felt good.  It felt right.  I enjoyed it.  In the past, I could not even walk into the sections where the little girls items would be.  It was like tearing my heart out.  Now I know that although I will never be buying those things for Allie, I might be buying them for her sister one day.  Or I will go over to the boys section and buy things for her brother. That gives me hope.  I am slowly but surely getting my hope back. 

And we could not be more excited.

In a few hours, we will gather at my mom's house for the first night of Hanukkah.  There will be lots of laughter and kids and fried food to commemorate the oil that lasted 8 nights instead of 1.  Last year, I found it hard to celebrate.  It's easier this year.  My hope is that it will be even better next year.

Allie, baby, another holiday without you here with us and it still hurts.  It will always hurt.  But you have taught your mommy and daddy how to love in spite of the pain and the obstacles and the loss and we are better people and parents for it.  We love you, sweet girl.  Always and forever.

Tis the season to be thankful and to let your loved ones know how much they matter to you.  I try to do that every day now as life is too precious to not enjoy every moment.

Then: Sadness, agony, grief, pain
Now: Hope, happiness, optimism and excitement

Times they are a changing.  Now if you will excuse me, I have some paperwork to fill out.  And we could not be more excited!

Fundraising 101

It is with joy in our hearts that Gary and I have decided to grow our family through adoption. We are working with an agency and are in the application phase now. 

Many of you have asked how you could help and here is one way you can. Please take a minute to read our story -- any help you can give would be greatly appreciated. For those friends and family who are local, we are planning to have a fundraising event late January 2013. Details to come soon. Thanks to everyone for all the love & support!

http://www.youcaring.com/adoption-fundraiser/A-Sibling-for-Allie/35303#.ULa2x3mH9zU.gmail