Viva Las Vegas

Last night, we got home from Vegas.  Gary and I have traveled a lot this year, but this is the trip we planned when we were in the hospital back in April.  In the delivery room, my hair pulled back, booties on my feet, gown draped over my bulging baby bump, we decided that we need to have something to look forward to once we got home and Vegas would be that something.  And I am so glad we went.

This past Monday was the 3 year anniversary of our first date.  My coworker and I were going out for drinks after work to celebrate his promotion.  The rest is history.  So it seemed like planning our trip around that anniversary was a good idea.   We found a wedding chapel where we could renew our vows and we anxiously looked forward to our vacation.

The trip did not disappoint.  We ate till we were stuffed (those buffets are no joke!) and we laughed at all the spectacles.  We walked down the strip in awe and in fear (but in an amusing way!).  We saw some amazing shows and shopped for souvenirs and had a trip that we will always remember.

Then came time to renew our vows.  The folks there seemed surprised that we were doing this after only a year and 5 months of  marriage, but said that meant something...to want to remarry the person we were married to, after such a short period of time.  Elvis seranaded us with "Can't Help Falling in Love" as we walked down the isle.  We repeated after him - that we would love and cherish each other every day of our lives, that we would never wear our blue suede shoes in the rain...all the normal stuff that wedding vows are made of, right?

I was grinning from ear to ear as Gary placed a new ring on my other hand.  (Nice perk!).  We walked back down the aisle as the ceremony concluded and then participated in a little photo shoot.  For a few minutes on Monday, I had no other cares in the world.  It was such a nice escape!

Ever since Gary and I got together, we do this little thing..."What was the favorite part of your day?" or "What was your favorite part of this trip?"  On Monday, without even asking (which is part of the game), Gary turned to me and said, "This is the highlight (favorite part) of the trip for me."  I swooned, I will not lie!

While October marked an anniversary for us, it also marked an anniversary for Allie.  She would have been 6 months old this past weekend.  Instead of worrying about her teething or sitting up on her own, we were on a vacation.  Most new parents don't get to go on vacation, not to mention 3 vacations!  Here we are having seen Chicago, Memphis, and now Las Vegas.  We are having fun, making memories, living our lives.  We are staying strong for each other and for our daughter.  We are still a family and we are still here.  Living, loving, laughing...

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

This past Saturday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I wanted to organize a walk or do something special to celebrate Allie. I spent hours trying to figure out the best thing to do. And then life took over and what was meant to happen, did.

Gary’s brother and his wife had a wedding to attend and they needed someone to watch the kids for the night. Babysitting our niece and nephews is some of the best therapy for me. It gives me time with the kids to get outside of my head and down on the floor playing with them. It forces me to live in the moment. It shows me Gary’s silly side and reinforces how much I can’t wait for him to be a dad to a living child. And it reminds me how much I am loved by the kids and their parents.

So off to NJ we went. In my overnight bag was a small candle we were going to light at 7pm that night as a part of a nationwide (maybe worldwide?) event I learned on Facebook to honor the babies that are no longer with us. On my wrist is a pink bracelet…and it matches the one that Gary wears. I have since put away the adorable Pandora charm with the baby carriage that my mom gave me for my birthday last year. I am not meant to wear that bracelet right now. So I wear this one.

We got there and the kids were so excited to see us! There is no feeling in the world better than the hugs you get from the little arms wrapped around you. My 7 year old nephew almost immediately noticed our bracelets and asked what they meant. Uncle Gary tried to explain that we were wearing them to remember Allie. Our nephew had a very serious look on his face and asked that we just not talk about it anymore. It made him sad. That took my breath away. It makes us sad, too, buddy. It’s ok.

When 7:00 rolled around, the baby was already asleep and we decided not to invite the boys into the kitchen where we lit the candle as it was not necessary for them at that time. So off to the kitchen we went and we light the candle. We were quiet, letting our faces be illuminated by the small flame. I think we both said “We love you, baby girl” and stood silent for a few moments. Then we went back into the living room and watched Nickelodeon with the boys.

Sunday morning came and I packed up the candle with the rest of my things and a few hours later we drove home. I am so glad we lit the candle and had an official time and space in that day to honor our baby. But the true highlight of the day was when my oldest nephew read to me before he went to bed. And when my niece showed me she knows how to clap now. And when my other nephew jumped onto my lap on Sunday morning and snuggled with me. So I guess Saturday was just like any other day in a way. Just like the day before and the day after. Any other day, that is, since I had a baby who died.

Beautiful Post

I stumbled across this blog today and the author captures so many of my thoughts that I wanted to share it on my blog.  Enjoy.

http://bythebrooke.blogspot.com/2011/10/go-ahead-make-me-cry.html

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Or to me, tomorrow is just like any other day...

Dreams

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. I was meeting with a doctor in my practice that I have never seen before, but I knew his name. His office was full of boxes and papers and he assured me that he was gonna take care of this baby and that I was not leaving till I heard the heartbeat and he promised me that everything was gonna be ok. When I woke up, my heart was racing.

I got to work and turned on my computer and my sister-in-law who lives in Bulgaria sent me an instant message. She is 7 hours ahead of me now so she was already well into her day. She told me that last night, she had a dream that I was pregnant. Apparently, she and my mom and I were all squeezed into a bathroom looking at the test results which were positive and she had to convince my mom and I that I was pregnant because neither of us wanted to believe it.

 I am consumed with being pregnant. And now somehow, I have spread that half way across the world! I know I am not pregnant now, but maybe, somehow, there is a way this dream will come true. I want these dreams to make me happy, but all they do right now is leave me with a longing for Allie that is so intense.  If she were here, I would not even dream of getting pregnant right now. And yet, dream I do...

Forever Young

Last Friday night, my brother,  sister-in-law and I went to see Ray Lamontagne and Brandi Carlile in concert. It was a gorgeous night and we sat outside and tailgated before the show began. For a brief time in my life, many years back, I used to work at this venue and I have a friend who still has contacts there so we had terrific seats. And free parking! We have all seen Ray several times and they had seen Brandi a few times so we knew we were in for a good night. And we were right. It was a blast.

Brandi’s last song was a cover of Alphaville’s “Forever Young”. The song first came out when I was 10 years old. I have always loved it. I think I had it on cassette tape at one point. It’s been ages since I heard it.  Her cover did it justice.

Let us die young or let us live forever

We don't have the power

But we never say never

Sitting in a sandpit,

Life is a short trip

The music's for the sad men

Forever young, I want to be forever young

Do you really want to live forever

Forever -- and ever

I sat in the audience and let the music wash over me. I immediately thought of Allie and how she would be forever young. I will only ever picture her as an infant…never a toddler or a little girl or a teenager or a woman. It made me sad and my eyes stared to well up and then I realized that I would rather have her forever young that not have had her at all.

The next morning, Gary and I left for Memphis. We arrived at 8am on Saturday and I was back in the air by Monday afternoon. Gary flew back Tuesday night. We did not have a lot of time, but we made the most of the time we had. We went to the Civil Rights Museum and learned so much about Martin Luther King, Jr. and where and when he was assassinated. I was ashamed about how much of his story I did not remember from when I learned it in school. We ate Memphis BBQ and southern style fried chicken. We walked Beale Street and shopped for souvenirs. We went to Sun Studios and saw where Elvis and Johnny Cash recorded some of their most famous songs. We toured Graceland and learned all we could ever hope to know about the King. We had a fantastic time.

The concept of “Forever Young” repeated itself again during our trip. At the Civil Rights Museum, there was a quote from a friend of Martin Luther King Jr.’s that said that history will always remember him looking like he did when he was famous. He will never have grey hair or wrinkles or walk with a cane. He will always look like he did when he died.

I find this fascinating. How do you want to be remembered? As you looked in your youth? As you look now? As you will look 20 years from now?

I think I just plain want to be remembered.  For as long as I am remembered, so too, will Allie be.



Just outside the Civil Rights Museum







Elvis's plane - the Lisa Marie



Court Square



Happy New Year

Sundown last night marked the beginning of the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah.  It’s a happy holiday, one spent with loved ones and family.   We eat apples and honey to symbolize a sweet new year.  We have large meals and celebrate the start of a new year.  We rejoice.

This would have been Allie’s first Rosh Hashanah.  She would be too young for the apples, but maybe I would have let her taste the honey from my fingers.  I will never know.  I was so excited to tell my aunt and uncle and cousins last year that I was newly pregnant.  Now I face them, some for the first time since my baby shower, with no baby.  It’s so sad.  And I suppose it always will be.

We saw our grief counselor on Monday and it was a good session.  She is visibly pregnant now, but that did not bother me at all.  If anything, I was relieved to know she was still pregnant.  I will be more relieved when I hear that she had a healthy baby as unfortunately, pregnancies to me now do not mean healthy babies at the end.  We talked about my feelings of failure and how that has, in a way, consumed me these past few months.  I feel like my body failed me, even though I know that is not true. I feel like my body failed Gary, too, and I keep expecting him to be upset with me. But he is not angry at me as he knows I did not do anything wrong.  I think it’s time to stop beating myself up, and yet I am unsure how.  I so desperately want to get pregnant again, but I worry that if I keep mentally berating myself, it will be no good for the baby or me.  So it’s really time to try to be nicer to myself.  

Per the counselor, I now have notes up all over the house.  “I am pretty” is in the master bedroom, along with “I am a mother”.  “I am a good friend” is in the kitchen, next to “I am a loving wife”.  It’s kinda nice.   Gary has taken to leaving me little notes in my lunch box or my purse or my wallet reminding me how much he loves me.  Sooner or later, it has to get through, right?  I did not nothing wrong.  Allie’s death is not my fault. I can still love and be loved. I am a mom.

A reminder note from Gary

On Tuesday, I got home from work to the nicest card. We got so many cards after Allie died and each one meant so much to us. In fact, we saved them all in the Memory Box with Allie’s things. This card was no different.  It was from a friend in college who was in my sorority with me. We were not super close, but we certainly knew each other enough and were friendly.  She stumbled across my blog on Facebook and wanted to reach out to me.  It was so thoughtful and so beautiful and here we are, 5 months later, and people are still thinking of us and remembering our daughter. It warms me from the inside out.

On Saturday, Gary and I are leaving for Memphis.  He had to be there for work on Monday and Tuesday so we decided to fly down a few days early and make a weekend getaway out of it.  We already have tickets to Graceland and plan on visiting the Civil Rights Museum, too.  We want to go to one of the legendary recording studios as well. We want to eat ribs and BBQ and fried chicken.  We are going to cram as much into 48 hours as we can!  I am so looking forward to it! 

 
I love travelling with Gary and exploring different cities with him.  I love that we are taking advantage of the “free” time we have now and making as many plans as possible.   I love that I can hope that next year this time, we are not able to travel as we will have a baby either on the way or already here.     

I want to make sure to make this a happy new year, indeed.  So I am off from work today, at home, reflecting on this past year.  I will have extra apples and honey tonight as I did last night.  I want far less bitter and much more sweet.  I really do not think that is asking for too much!  In fact, I know it's not!!

Safe Travels

Yesterday I said farewell to my youngest brother and his wife. There is a 7 year gap between us and at times, it seems like an entire generation. Other times, they act way more mature than me. They have been married for just over 3 years now and have lived in Missouri (where they met) and Texas (where they went to live in a Zen Center for a year and then decided to stick around Austin as they liked it so much). We all knew that they had a lust for travel and for seeing the world and that it was just a matter of time before they took off. My sister in law is originally from Bulgaria and her parents still live there. Their plan is to live with her parents through the end of the year and then travel to see the world. Thailand is on their list for early next year, but that is just one of the many stops they plan to make. They may be gone a year or they may be gone three years. They may or may not be back in the US in 2012.

They left Texas in late July and drove North, stopping to see friends along the way. Then they were here in PA with us for the last month or so and it was so nice to have them here. We saw them and enjoyed them as much as possible.

Saying goodbye was harder than I thought. While they have always lived in other places, they were still always accessible. They hopped a plane back in April with open ended tickets to be here for us when Allie died. My brother drove us to the funeral home to talk about arrangements. He drove us back a few days later to pick up our daughter’s ashes. He researched grief counselors for us. He researched natural remedies to help us with grief. He held my hand as I cried.

 It is my supreme hope that Allie’s little sister or brother will be on his or her way in the near future. And it breaks my heart that my brother and sister-in-law will not be here for his or her birth. We will have to Skype them when we find out we are pregnant and introduce them to their niece or nephew in the same way. I know they are not gone forever and that they will be back in time to see the baby or babies grow into toddlers or children or kids or young adults. But I hate that they were here for the sadness and might not be here for the joy. But that is the way life is, right? While I miss them and in a way, mourn their absence, they are off, exploring the world, backpacks and all. I am so very proud of them for following their dreams. I am excited to see the kind of people they become with so many countries to see and experiences to have. And I am excited at the prospect of the good to come that they can share with us when they finally come back home.

Safe travels, Jeff and Neda. We love you so!