The Future

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor for my 6 week check up. Hopefully she will give me the "ok" to head back to work next week and to resume my life as I once knew it.  I should be able to do physical activity again and lift things again and be an active member of society again.  To celebrate, my BFF and I are going to head to the beach on Thursday and walk the boards and feel the sun on our faces and probably talk about our feelings till our mouths are dry!  My mom is taking the day off on Friday so that we can spend it together - there will be lunch, shopping, hopefully some laughter - all the kinds of things I hope to do with my daughter some day.

Which leads me to my next thought - how do I plan for the next child when I so desperately want the one I just had?  6 weeks is long enough to go back to work and to take road trips, but it surely is not enough to mourn a child.  But what is?  6 months?  6 years?  6 decades?  I know it my heart that planning for the future is a good thing and that if Allie was here, she would want only the best for her mommy and daddy, but it's still so surreal to me that she is not here.  

I spent a lot of this past weekend with family that was in from out of town and I was anxious at first as to how people would treat me and how I would react to them.  I was very pleased that the time spent with my loved ones was happy - we talked about what Gary and I have been through these past few months and how much we loved our little girl.  We talked about our journey and our plans for the future.  Everyone seems so delighted that we are not giving up our dreams for a family.  And we are happy to think about what the future holds for us, too.  But I sure wish Allie was a part of that future.  I still can't look at her memory box or go in the guest room (formerly known as her nursery) for more than a moment or two without feeling a longing in my soul.  My arms feel light at a time when I thought they would be heavy from holding her.

 
For the first time since early April, I went to see my father yesterday.  He is in a nursing home now as his health has rapidly declined over the past few years.  He is unable to take care of himself any more and his memory is not what it used to be.  He gets confused a lot and is not able to handle normal, run-of-the-mill things like eating or bathing.  My dad used to be a very vibrant man.  He always put himself first which did not make him an ideal parent, but it made him one heck of a character and a lot of fun to be around.  When he paid attention to you, everything else fell away.  

We have talked on the phone the past few weeks and my dad kept telling me that he did not know what to say to me. I assured him that it was ok - there is no right thing to say in this situation.  And as I have said multiple times over the past few weeks, I do not want to live in a world where people know what to say to us.  That would mean that far too many people have experienced a loss like that and I could not bear that.  

During our visit yesterday, I felt an overwhelming sadness for I am losing him, too.  In many ways, I already lost him years ago.   He repeats himself a lot and does not have the capacity to carry on a whole conversation.  He is a shell of who he once was.  Our relationship was rocky at best and there were many years during my childhood that we did not even speak.  He did not walk me down the isle when I got married and he would not have been in the hospital when his granddaughter was born.  Seeing him yesterday, so simple and serene almost, made me realize in a way he is kind of lucky as he does not feel this loss as deeply as the rest of us.  But does that really make him lucky?  I think not.

So for now, let's hope the doctor gives me a clean bill of health tomorrow and then I will take it from there.  One step at a time, one day at a time...live in the moment and make each moment count...and that will help get us through.

Happy Anniversary

By the Fall of 2008, I had just about exhausted every dating site that was out there.  I tried so many...and had a degree of success with most of them.  I met potential suitors for drinks or apps or walks in the park or the movies and some I even went out with more than once.  I went out with all shapes and sizes and have many stories that still make me laugh and sometimes cringe when I think of them.  For anyone that might be reading this blog and is an active participant in the online dating world, here is my advice to you.  Do not advertise that you are something you are not and using a picture from your Bar Mitzvah or Prom will surely not work once we meet you and see that you have a lot less hair now and an inner tube where your waist used to be.  I am just saying...

So there was this guy, I called him "Gary from work".  And we had been friends for a while as we worked at the same company and passed each other in the cafeteria or on our way to meetings.  He was a nice guy - charming, funny, smart - and we used to go to lunch every once and a while as friends.  He was divorced and just getting back into the dating scene and we used to compare dates.   He was a much better dater than anyone that I had been dating, but due to the fact that he was a divorcee and was not Jewish, it never dawned on me that he and I should date.  

One day "Gary from work" got offered a new position at work. So we wanted to go out and celebrate.  But for some reason, instead of lunch, we decided to go our for drinks after work.  I invited my close friend, Beth, who lived nearby to join us as I thought they might really hit it off.  She likes dogs and "Gary from work" likes dogs.  Maybe they would be a match!

Later, Beth told me the minute she walked into the bar, she knew there was something between us.  And she was right. She tends to be right a lot, but that is for another post!

By December of 2008, my cat Zoe had pretty much moved in with "Gary from work" who then became known as "Gary my boyfriend".  I was at his place so much that I hated to leave Zoe alone in my condo so off she went to Gary's place.  Since Gary lived so close to work, we would up staying there a lot and it made more sense.

I put my condo on the market that Spring and by Memorial Day, it was sold and we put my things in storage and I moved into Gary's apartment.  By the end of that summer, we found a home we liked and we settled.  "Gary my boyfriend / roommate" and I moved into our new home and were so excited about the life we were starting together.  Everything was moving so fast, but it felt so right and neither one of us wanted to wait for our life together to begin.

On one warm Tuesday in September 2009, "Gary my boyfriend / roommate" took me to lunch at the same place where we had our first date and he proposed right there in the parking lot as he could not even wait till he got inside.  "Gary my fiance" was born. 

I am not sure if I ever thought that I would find Mr. Right, but as soon as Gary and I started to get serious, I knew that I wanted to marry him.  It did not matter that he was married before or that he was not Jewish.  The past was the past and we wanted a future - together.  In a way, I saw his past marriage as a practice round - he would know better this time around what he wanted and who he was.  And I knew that I could be his wife and still practice my religion, if I wanted to.  What mattered most was that he loved me so completely that I knew I would always be safe with him.  And I knew that I loved him every bit as much and that we were so lucky to find each other.

Saturday, May 29, 2010, we tied the knot.  It was the loveliest day and far surpassed any dreams I could have had for our wedding.   We found an Interfaith Rabbi who did a great job of incorporating what mattered to both of us and our families in the ceremony.  We then danced well into the night and partied like it was the biggest event in our lives.  And it was.   I knew then as I know now that I was one of the lucky ones and could not wait for our lives to start.  "Gary my husband" and I had so much love and we knew that would get us through.

By now, anyone reading this knows what a first year of marriage we had - so much of it so very amazing and wonderful.  A honeymoon to Mexico and New Year's in New Orleans.  A weekend in Washington, DC with my college roommate.  So many nights spent with families and friends...it was all a dream.  And although we thought there would be 3 of us celebrating our 1st Anniversary, it is back to just us and the beautiful memories of the 37 weeks that we were pregnant with our daughter.  

My hope is that by our 2nd and 3rd and 4th anniversaries, there will be the laughter and giggles and maybe even cries of our baby or babies filling our home.  You can't plan for love and you can't plan for life so you need to just live each day in the moment and enjoy what you have and who you are and take it from there.  After all, we are still here and our love is stronger than ever.  And that has to count for something, right? 

Happy Anniversary, Gary!   I love you so.

I know what I want

For as long as I can remember, I have been on a diet.  Atkins, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, good ol' counting calories, hypnosis (yeah, really) and the list goes on.  I have been a member of many different gyms as well and we even have an elliptical machine in our basement.  But walking is the exercise that has always worked best for me - just plain power walking. I can do it anywhere, I can do it with others or I can do it with my iPod.  And it's free!

I remember going for walks when I was in the market for a new car.  I would look at all the cars on the road and try to visualize myself in one and fantasize about which one I wanted.  The color, the style, the way I would look in a specific make and model.  It was a fun game and it made my walks go quickly.

As I got older, I started to think that I did not want to rent forever and perhaps it was time to buy a place of my own.  This was pre-Gary, of course!  I used to look at different developments as I walked the sidewalks and streets and try to picture myself in a two story colonial or a one story rancher.  I would look at lawns and driveways and parking lots and try to picture what was most important to me and what I wanted.  Did I care about the neighbors or the proximity to the grocery store?  Did school districts matter?  No, back then I was more interested in the "cute" factor and how close it would be to the train station as I always imagined commuting into Center City, Philadelphia for work.

Several cars later and one condo bought and long since sold, I am back to walking again.  I could not do much the last few months of my pregnancy as I was sooo tired that all I could really do after working all day was come home and crash.  And even now, I am not supposed to do much till I get cleared by my doctor at my 6 week check up next week, but she did say it would be ok to walk as long as I took it slowly and did not get my heart rate up too high.

So I have been walking again.  It feels good to be outside and to do something for me.  I can't do much about the wiggle and jiggle that is my body right now, but I can start to take care of myself and hope that the walking will start to help put things go back to where they once were.  But here's the thing.  My arms feel limp as they are not pushing a stroller like I thought they would be by now.  And with my empty arms, I realized that I am no longer looking at cars or houses, but now I am looking at the kids out playing and the parents out with them and I feel such a longing in my soul that it takes my breath away.  I never knew how easy I had it before when I wanted something - I could just go after it.  Not so much now.  We went after what we wanted and got our hearts crushed.   I know we will go after it again and maybe this time, with our Allie's help, we will get what we want and I can finally stop looking everywhere else.  

As for the diet, I think I have a few more weeks to enjoy what I want before I worry about that!  I dare anyone to tell my differently!

Awake Dreams

My nephew Ryan turned 5 last week.   I have to be honest - I fell in love with him the first time I met him.  He is funny and cute and smart and loves to cuddle.  He also looks a lot like his uncle!  What's not to love?

Ryan has something he calls "awake dreams".  He lets his imagination roam and will play for long stretches of time all by himself but making all kinds of noises and running all over the place.  I think he inserts himself in certain situations in these dreams.  Sometimes he is in a scene from Star Wars, other times he is battling "bad guys".  I think maybe sometimes there are robots, too?  He is always so amused and always seems to be having the time of his life.

There have been days over the past 5 weeks that I wonder if Gary and I will ever get pregnant again.  And then I wonder how we will get through another pregnancy without being so scared every second of every day.  I get anxious and nervous and Gary reminds me to take it one step at a time.  Let's heal first, physically and emotionally, and then we can deal with what comes our way.

When all that fails, Gary helps me create our own awake dreams.  He will pull me aside and tell me to close my eyes and then detail a scene for me that is truly a dream that I am having while awake.  One time he described us in the grocery store about a year from now with twins - one was in the cart and one was on my hip - and we were in the cereal isle buying Fruit Loops.  (Coincidentally, the cereal was for Gary).  Twins!  One of my oldest friends from middle school has twins and surely she would tell me there is a lot of work involved in that dream!  Another awake dream had us with one baby and going for a walk in her stroller like it was the most normal thing in the world.  That baby was a girl, but I think there have been awake dreams with baby boys as well.  I usually cry during these dreams, but they are tears of hope and dreams and love.

So just as Ryan gets a kick out of his awake dreams, so now do I.   I cannot wait for the day our awake dreams become our reality.

Let's Plant a Tree

Every year, the hospital puts on a Memorial Walk to pay tribute to babies that have passed away.  It's at a local park and open to friends and family.  We just got the invitation last week, but the timing could not be better for us.  Today is one month exactly since we were in the hospital and the first time our families were together since they were sitting in the hospital waiting room.  It was bittersweet to all be together, but very healing as well.

There was not that much sun out today, but it was dry and for anyone in the tri-state area this week, they know what a big deal that was!  It was a little chilly and a more than a little  muddy, but we were able to be outside and let the kids roam free.  

While there was no real "walk", there were basketball courts and swings and jungle gyms and more than enough to keep everyone busy and happy.   Hamburgers and hot dogs were on the grill and lots of people brought food to share.  We estimated about 10-12 families were in attendance.  Not sure what stage they were all in - some had kids of their own, at least one woman there was visibly pregnant, and some were probably like Gary and me with parents and siblings and a few of our closest friends to stand by our side.

A tree planting ceremony was a part of today's festivities.  Paper and pencils were given out to the crowd so that whomever wanted to, could write a note or draw a picture to be planted along with the tree.  Poems were read and people reflected.  It was not an easy thing to get through, but we did it.  Another milestone.  I watched as our loved ones scribbled away on lots of notes for our daughter.  And to my little friend Katie who will be 7 years old next month, I saw the picture you made for Allie and she would have loved it.

Below is a picture of Gary and me - Gary designed these shirts for us to wear as a way to honor our baby.  The design is that of an Aleph - the first letter in the Hebrew alphabet.  You will see a curly cue cat tail one one side as she will always be our Allie Cat and a heart in the other side as she is now and will always be such a big part of our hearts.

We plan to go back to the park in a few weeks and check up on her tree and make sure it's thriving.  I have a hunch that it will be.

Now what?

So now we are home.  Time for life to go back to normal, right?  Only our definition of normal has drastically changed from what is was just a few weeks ago.  Normal is Gary going off to work without me so I can stay home and heal.  Normal is weekly doctor's appointments to check my blood pressure and my incision.  Normal is talking about our daughter instead of to her.  Normal is grief counseling.

Gary and I have been on the same page about everything since this ordeal started.  We both knew that it would be good to have outside help and to go to counseling.  And so far we have been twice.  And we really like it.   With the help of my brother (a social worker) and my best friend's mother (a therapist), we were set up with a counselor who specializes in Loss and Bereavement.   She is a very good listener and is giving us tools to handle what we are going through.   She is helping us work through how to help ourselves, help each other and help our loved ones.  She listens intently and does not judge.  We talk about depression and grief and anxiety all in a very safe environment and it is helping us both.  We will continue to go as long as it is beneficial to us.   There are support groups out there that we might try one day, but for now, the one-on-one sessions seem to be giving us both what we need.

We are planning some vacations now that our life new plans for us.   We are looking forward to a long weekend in Chicago in July and a trip to Las Vegas in the Fall.  We want to try to laugh and enjoy ourselves and make new memories - although far different than the ones we thought we were going to be making this year.  We want to see what we can and enjoy what we can because we are still here and we still deserve it.  And if we are fortunate enough, we will get pregnant again when our travels are through and then we can move forward with making Allie a big sister.  Cause we both think she would like that.

So we wake up each day and we try to get through - some days are better than others, that is for sure.  But we have each other and we have a strength that we never knew we had and when I look outside and see a day like today - with the sun and the birds and the nice, gentle breeze - I think we just might make it through this after all...

Allie's Creek

Being at home was hard at first.   The house felt empty and we were so grief stricken that it was literally hard to move at first.   Luckily, we had so many people stop by that we did not have time to worry about feeding ourselves or cleaning the house or occupying ourselves - our friends and family did that for us.  We got the most beautiful flowers and plants that I have ever seen.  Then there were the delicious chocolates, catering food trays, frozen food meals, steaks, burgers, cakes, cookies...you name it, it all showed up at our house those first 2 weeks home.  Fruit baskets, edible arrangements, gift cards for restaurants...check, check and check.  And then there were the cards.  We must have gotten 50 cards in the mail.  Each one sent by someone who shared a story with us or offered a shoulder to cry on or just wanted us to know that there were people out there that loved us and were thinking of us.  All promised to keep Allie in their hearts.   It got so that we were looking forward to seeing the mail man each day.  And the UPS delivery guy now knows who we are.  (You would have thought with the way I shop, this had already happened, but I digress...).

And so, we tried our best to acclimate to being home.  Our company gave us both a week of Bereavement Leave so we did not have to even think about work, which was quite a relief.   Gary took an additional week after that and I decided (with my doctor's consent) to take a total of 6 weeks leave.  I am not sure that "time heals all", but it certainly helped to have the time to start to heal.

One of the hardest parts of being home for me was learning to not entertain, but just to "be".  To let others do the dishes and laundry and take care of things around the house as I was not able to do much for the first 2 weeks.  No heavy lifting, no driving, nothing that would get my heart rate up. 

Another hard part for me was the day everyone rallied together to clean out the nursery.  We did not want a shrine to Allie so we had our support system carefully pack everything up and put in away in the basement.  Bins and bins of Rubbermaid containers were filled with her clothes and books and blankets and picture frames to be put away into storage with all the other items that were stored when we were at the hospital.  The nursery went back to being a guest room and with it, our hearts just sank.  The freshly painted walls are a reminder of what the room once was and what we both hope the room will be again.   

So night after night,  our company would leave and Gary and I would be here - alone - in a quiet house.  It was crazy - after all these months of expecting sleepless nights and late feedings, there was none of that.  Instead there were tears and hugs and such a sense of loss that you felt it from the tip of your head to the bottom of your toes.  I am still not sure how much pain for me was the recovery from the surgery and how much was the grief and sense of loss.  I would look at my incision every day to make sure it was healing and rub my fingers over it in awe that a baby came out of there.  My dreams of holding my daughter and nursing her and singing to her have all been reduced to an incision that I do not care if it turns into a scar as then I will at least have a constant reminder physically that she was once here.

Then came the day we had to pick Allie up from the funeral home.  My youngest brother had bought and open ended ticket when he flew up from Austin so he was here to help us as much as we needed.  He knew what we needed before we did sometimes.  He drove us to the funeral home and held my hand, as Gary held the other, while we signed the paper work.  And just like that, she was ours again.

There is a small creek behind our house that is now called Allie's Creek.  The afternoon we brought her home, Gary and I walked into our yard and said our final goodbyes.  We told her that she was home now and that we loved her so much and then we let her go.  We watched as the water and the wind took her to her final resting place and we knew we had done right by her.  We brought her home.