#tbt

Throwback Thursday is a trend among social media sites such as Instagram, Twitter and Facebook wherein users post or repost older photographs (often from their childhood) with the hashtag #ThrowbackThursday or #TBT.

I love participating in this trend. I have posted old pictures of myself, my family, and my friends. I think it is so cool to see, in living color, the different phases of my life.

I have been having a lot of dreams lately about my pregnancy. Sometimes in my dreams, the pregnancy is current and not years ago. But the baby is always Allie.

As I have written so many times before, without Allie, there would be no Miranda. So, I cannot allow myself to think too much about a world in which Allie was here because that would mean that we would have never adopted and we would never have Miranda. Sometimes, though, I like to "throwback" to when I was first pregnant and everything was ahead of us and we did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl and the biggest hardship was figuring out what car seat to buy and what color to paint the nursery.

We were so naive. And that was so ok.

I miss the naivety. I miss the innocence.

For such a long time after Allie died, it was too hard to look back at all we shared with her. It hurt too much. Now that time has passed and our hearts have mended, it's not only easier, but it's cathartic. To be reminded of the love we shared, the excitement we had, the way the world was ours to conquer...it's pretty great.

Pregnant people used to make me so jealous. Then they made me so worried. Now they just make me cautiously optimistic that a healthy baby will someday be born.

I have no interest in getting pregnant again. I have no desire to adopt again. I am happy with our life as it is now. Miranda is our joy and pride and hope and the three of us work well together. The older she gets, the more we can do and the more we can share. We can provide for her and love her and enjoy her. 

A family from our adoption agency contacted us last week to ask for a referral. We gladly gave them one. A friend from my support group reached out to a bunch of us to ask when we can get together with a family who just lost their child.  I sadly said any time. That is my life now. Assisting others with bringing a baby home or helping others deal with the grief and the emptiness of not bringing one home.

Allie is woven into the fabric of our family. Miranda knows that butterflies are extra special. One day, we will explain why.

I tried to take a social media break earlier this week. I lasted three days. The fact of the matter is, I just enjoy sharing my life and experiences with my friends and family too much to stop. And not just on Thursday's. Pretty much every day! It's just as much a part of me as anything else. And I am ok with that.