Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Back to School

It seems that everyone is going back to school. I adore looking at the pics of all the kids, dressed in their finest, some grinning, some not, all heading back to school. Some are new schools with new friends, some are old schools with old friends. All have new memories just waiting to be made.

I wonder about the kids that will never get to meet a little girl named Allie. She will never get to pose for her back to school pic. She will never get to do so many things. That makes me sad.

I wonder about the kids that will one day get to meet a little girl named Miranda. She is bubbly and determined and funny and bright. She will get to do whatever her heart desires. That makes me happy.

I am stuck in a land of missing what will never happen and the land of being excited for what will happen. 

The very first thing I did this morning was send our monthly e-mail to Miranda's birth mother. We send it the first of the month and I like to send it first thing. I recap the last month and send pictures. I do not resent those e-mails. I see them as a way to keep M informed and I still think it is the least we can do for her as she gave us the most amazing gift in the world.

I start writing the e-mail in my head a few days before. I reflect on what we have done and how she has grown. I almost always wonder how much of Miranda is us and how much of her is her birth parents. Her humor is from me (I like to think!). Her love of animals is from Gary (we both think!). There are some traits that I think she was born with. She has no fear and she is is adventurous. I think those came with her. And I do not resent them, either. If anything, I am grateful for them. They are part of what makes her so amazing.

There is no question that Miranda is ours. Sometimes I worry that she might not always see it that way. The older she gets, the more questions she will have. Will we be ready?

Yesterday, we went to the beach. Miranda squealed with delight as her toes touched the sand and the waves rolled up around her. We built castles and picked seashells and ran with carefree abandon. We walked the boardwalk and ate frozen custard. It was the perfect day. 

I cherish those perfect days so very much. It wasn't that long ago that I doubted I would ever have them. Remembering that, helps me live in the present and not in the past. Here's to spending more time in the land of what will happen...


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