There are many times in my life when I have looked back and wondered "why". I am not one of those people that believes that everything happens for a reason. But I am one of those people that have wondered why some people suffer so while others do not seem to suffer at all.
I have learned after years and years of observation, that what I see on the outside is not the full picture. People let you see what they want you to see. I am the same way, of course. I show my soul in my writing, but almost always with a side of sass or humor that makes it easier to read. I post pretty pictures and delete the not-so-pretty ones.
After Allie died, I found that my story and my journey really helped others. At first, I was helping other parents who also experienced stillbirth. Then I was helping other parents who had to bury a child. Then I was helping couples that were experiencing infertility. Then I was aiding to spread awareness of adoption. Though it all, sharing a piece of me and my journey is what really seemed to resonate with people and so, here I go again.
My latest mission has been to get myself back to a weight that is comfortable for me. I do not need to get a belly button ring or wear a half shirt (you are welcome), but I want to be able to feel good, keep up with my daughter, be around for my family, and feel positive about myself again.
That was the piece that was missing. The pride.
I was able to do much in my life while not feeling good about myself, but man, does it feel good to do it all and feel good, too.
A diet is not just about the food choices we make. Yes, I weigh my proteins on a food scale. Yes, I journal all the food I eat in a day. Yes, I exercise to accelerate the process. Yes, I rely on my food coach a lot. However, at least once a day, I find myself being introspective and trying to find out WHY I want to make the poor choices that lead me to immediate gratification and then long term dissatisfaction.
I can blame whomever I want to blame - my parents, society, grief, the media - but the fact of the matter is, I am the one making the choices of what to put into my body and I am the one that needs to be held accountable. I need to know if I am eating because I am bored, nervous, anxious, excited, and so on. And I have been training myself these past 21 weeks to reach for something else when those emotions arise. Water, a walk, a book, work...there are plenty of others things to do besides stand in front of the fridge.
I do not have this weight thing beat. I am not sure I ever will. But I have a level of awareness now about myself that I did not have before. And I have a crazy amount of pride.
I hope those two elements, combined with my training and life experiences, will help me be a good weight loss coach for others. And above all, I hope they allow me to stop fighting this battle with myself and let me just enjoy this journey that I am on.
There is not just one reason why I struggle with my weight. There are, however, many reasons to stop struggling. One of the main ones is this little girl who calls me mama. I will do everything in my power to be healthy and alive and around for her. I owe it to us both.