Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks...

So much of my life is related to time. Before I met Gary. After we got married. Before I got pregnant. After we lost Allie. Before Miranda came into our lives. After the judge declared her ours.

Now it's before I lost the weight and after I got the weight off.

It's hard not to look back and old pictures of myself and not cringe. How did I get that heavy? How did I lose that much control of who I was? 

The answer is simple. I have battled my weight my whole life. And I always will. While things like fertility treatments and grief certainly did not cause my weight issues, they did not help them, either.

There is a picture on our fridge of the first time that Miranda was placed into our arms at the hospital. She is so teeny tiny and Gary's eyes are red from so much emotion and I am just beaming. I am also very large. The other day, I thought to myself, "I should take that picture down and put up a better one." And then I got so mad at myself.

I am now the same person I was then. Miranda does not know from fat or thin. She points to all the pictures of me in all the sizes and squeals, "Mama!". To her, I am who I am.

I must come to terms with that, too. I am healthier now. I am more fit now. I can keep up with my daughter now and I feel worlds better about myself now. But who I was then was not so bad, either. I do not want to ever lose sight of that.

Before...after...pre...post...but not better and certainly not worse.

Last week I had the privilege of talking to a potential adoptive mother. The agency gave her my contact information and we set up a time to call. She was open and honest about their journey and I was, too. She had so many fears and concerns and I think I was able to really help her. I offered advice and suggestions that I feel were valuable. We talked about the many facets of adoption and the emotions and costs - both emotionally and on our bank accounts. And I told her that once she is placed with her child, all those fears will melt away. I concluded the call with an emailed picture of our family. I wanted her to see the joy we share. She said she would be in touch and I hope she is.

This week, I got my final measurements and pictures for my weight loss journey. I will have my own clients very soon. I am ready to share my knowledge and help others the way I was helped. I can't wait to begin.

Time marches on and we must march with it. I do not want to be left behind. But I also do not want to spend time agonizing about the past. My goal is to focus on the now - today, tomorrow and the next day. Not to be confused or angry by my choices in the past.

That picture will stay on our fridge until it falls down. And when it is replaced, it will be by one that celebrates a special family moment or a snippet of time that we want to be reminded of daily. It will not be a picture that is chosen solely because I look good in it. Then again, if I stay on this path that I am on and continue to make smart choices, all the pictures of me from now on should be good so maybe that new picture will be both!

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