Monday, May 11, 2015

This End Up

I was so excited for Mother's Day this year. I felt like Miranda was beginning to understand the concept a bit and I was finally in a groove of feeling like I really am a mom and that I deserved a day to celebrate it. I have gone back and forth over the years with this issue - am I a mom or am I not a mom - but after years of flip-flopping, it seems to have finally settled in my brain that I am!

And then Mother's Day arrived. From the moment I opened my eyes, I knew it was gonna be one of those days. A day when my longing for Allie surpassed any other emotions. And on days like that, I just have to feel it in order to get through it.

The day before, we went to the annual tree planting ceremony that our hospital hosts. We stood around with other families while they read poems and planted a new tree for the babies that were born still the year before. It is sad and bittersweet and also so important to us that we see year after year that we are not alone.

On the days when I wake up sad, it's not that I feel sorry for myself. That used to be it. Now I feel sorry for Miranda - for the sister she never knew. For Allie's cousins that will never get to play with her. For Allie's aunts and uncles and grandparents who never even got to see her face and see how much she looked like the children they are raising. I just feel sorry in general.

By mid-afternoon, I started to snap out of it. Gary suggested we go out to dinner and get out of my head and just enjoy what was left of the day. And we did. By the time we got home, I was better.

May 11, 2011. My due date. 
May 11, 2015. Just another day.

I guess no matter how much time passes, the grief and sorry is still there. The trick for me is to talk about it, to lean on others, and to enjoy everything else that I can. 

I have a great life. I really do. Gary and I are celebrating 5 years of marriage at the end of the month. Me, who exhausted every dating site possible, is actually married and has been for 5 years? That deserves something!! My daughters are my everything. Miranda is the missing piece of our family that we did not even know was missing. My freelance job is going well and for the first time in my life, I really enjoy the work I am doing. And I am down over 60 pounds since January. So I am physically mirroring my emotional state. Most days, anyway.

There is no right or wrong way to handle grief -that is a lesson in and of itself. I just have to remember that when I am down, I will inevitably be up again.

I have a fantastic support system and I am forever grateful. I am forever grateful for so many things. And once the fog clears and I can see again, that is one of the first things I remember.

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