On Friday, we went on an adventure. Using a Groupon I purchased months before, my mom, Miranda and I went went to BounceU. Basically, everything is inflatable, everything is loud, and everything is fun. Miranda loved it. My mom loved it. And I was able to keep up.
I realized early on that I was not winded. I was not embarrassed when we went "wheeee" down the big slide and my shirt rode up a bit in the back. I was not embarrassed by my size - in fact, I was not even aware of my size. I was totally in the moment, watching my daughter and her gram giggle with delight. It was an exhausting hour and a half, but a super fun one and I can't wait to go back.
A morning like that was the kind of morning that I did not even know I was missing when Allie died. If it makes any sense, though, I feel like she was there with us in spirit. Not because I saw a butterfly or a particular reminder of her, just because she is woven into the fabric of who we are.
This morning, we had a Skype call with M. It was not a scheduled call, but we received an email on Thursday that some of her extended family was going to be in town this weekend and she wanted to introduce them to Miranda. It was, to us, a fair request, so we complied. Miranda was an absolute doll on the call and I think it made M's day. She is always going to have ties to our daughter and I see no reason to try to make those ties strained or any more complicated than they already are. Miranda blew her kisses at the end and hugged the iPad and we were all smiling when the call ended. I think we are going to be able to make this open adoption thing work - even if by the terms that we have to discover along the way.
In between bouncing and Skyping, I got an interesting offer. Effective very soon, I am going to be a Weight Loss Coach! I am going to be able to take the tools and knowledge and support and help others achieve their goals. It's 10-15 hours a week and I could not be more flattered or excited! This new role is one I feel so ready to play. With the proper training, I think I could be a force to be reckoned with! To be able to help others by sharing my journey? Well that is just about as good as it gets, as far as I am concerned.
I spent so much of my life being angry and sad and resenting the things I could not change. Now I am trying to truly accept those things and make the best of them. Losing Allie has taught me more about myself than I ever thought possible. Raising Miranda has taught me even more. I am bouncing all over the place...and for the first time in a long time, really enjoying the ride.