Friday, December 26, 2014

Didn't we almost have it all?

"...When love was all we had worth giving?"  Whitney Houston

For some reason, that old Whitney Houston song popped into my head this morning.  And I started to think about how it pertained to me.  Until I realized, it didn't.

We DO have it all. Family and friends and love and laughter. A daughter here with us and one that is always looking over us. I am not sure what stage I am in now, 3 and a 1/2 years after saying goodbye to Allie, but I am not angry.  I am not mad. I am not questioning why. I just...am.

Grief is a strange thing. It creeps up on you when you are not looking. It seeps into the crevices of your life. It pops up when you are sure you told it to stay away.  Today, though, I feel like I am in control of my grief. 

Maybe that is because my focus is on the here and now. I am truly living in the moment because as any parent will tell you, there is no other way.  Between meals and clothes and diaper changes and dress up and play time and puzzles and sticker books and tickles and tumbles and all things in-between, there is simply no room for my grief. 

There is plenty of room for my memories, though. I often wear a butterfly charm around my neck and I love feeling my first daughter so close to my heart. I also think often of my pregnancy and how nervous and excited and anxious Gary and I were.  I think a lot of people forget things about their pregnancies because so much comes after, but since we were deprived of the after, I swear I can still feel the kicks and the heartburn and the sheer euphoria of knowing that I was creating a life inside of my body.

Miranda says Allie's name.  She lights up when she says it because she knows it will make us smile. And it always does.

2014 is coming to a close.  I turned 40 this year. I ran a 5k.  I became a freelance writer.  My proudest accomplishment this year, though?  Learning how to be Miranda's mom and making sure that I excel at it.  Our family unit is different than we thought it would be a few years ago, but different is not always bad!  It just...is.

I feel happy more than I feel sad. I feel complete more than I feel empty. I feel good more than I feel bad.  Turns out I do have it all.  

"Loving you makes life worth living..." Whitney Houston




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