Confusing enough for you? Here's an example. I ran out today to get a pedicure. It will probably be the last one I get for a while as the summer is winding down and soon enough, we will also have day care bills. So not only will I not really need one, but I will have a hard time justifying the expense. Anyway, while I was chilling out in the massage chair and getting the royal treatment, I happened to notice a woman walk in with her daughter. She was a young girl and I heard her mom say that she was 3. They went through the very difficult decision of choose the exact right color and then the little girl sat in the big girl chair and started to get a pedicure of her own. Her mom looked on while snapping pictures and grinning from ear to ear.
My eyes filled up as I remember telling my Labor and Delivery nurse in the class that we took that I could not wait for Allie and me to do that exact same thing together.
Suddenly I realized that I can still do all those things. With Miranda.
Then I felt badly that Miranda was not my first thought. Most days I fell badly that Allie is no longer my first thought.
Then. Now.
Who I was versus who I am.
It's complicated!
In the end, I stopped paying attention to the family at the other end of the salon and continued to enjoy the last few minutes of being pampered. I have all sorts of reasons for my eyes to fill up with tears, but as long as I keep it in check, then I think I am ahead of the game. As I say very often, I have one little girl in my heart and one in my arms (and also in my heart). There is plenty of room for both.
I have been given a second chance...and a third and a fourth and a fifth. Each day there is a new chance to experience something new, to live in the now, to make the most of what I got.
Sometimes I just need to be reminded of it, I guess.
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| Playing with some leaves with Daddy |
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| A selfie with Mommy |
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| Enjoying a visit with family |
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