Spring is here. May is upon us. The flowers are in bloom and birds are singing.
I am calling May "Memorial Month". The hospital where we delivered Allie is having their annual Memorial Walk this weekend and Gary and I are going to see how her tree is doing after a year of having time to grow. It was a comforting event last year and we hope it's the same this year, too. It will only be us this time, as we need to find the strength in each other right now.
Next weekend is another walk. This one is sponsored by UNITE, the support group that I have come to cherish so much. Gary, my mom and I will all attend this walk and the lunch that follows and again be able to talk about the babies we all had but are not here with us. It's cathartic to be around other parents like us.
In between each walk is Mother's Day. What a loaded day that is! I want to celebrate my mom as I have for the past 38 years, but I can't help but feel like it's my day, too. And is that cause for celebration? Last year, we skipped the celebration aspect and just did our own thing - this year, I am not so sure. Who would have ever thought that a day as simple as Mother's Day would cause me such turmoil?? Can I celebrate my mom and Gary's mom and both my sisters-in-law (who happen to be two of the best moms EVER) and not make the day about me and my loss? I want to, but I am not sure I can.
And then at the end of this month, is the "real" Memorial Day, which also happens to be our wedding anniversary. Now that I can celebrate! It's been a lot different than either of us expected, but these past 2 years have been wonderful in so many ways. As sad as I am, I cherish each and every moment I have with the love of my life - "Gary from work" who fate turned into "Gary my husband".
So this month, we will walk, we will remember, we will celebrate and we will try to find the joy. I think I can safely look forward to all of it.