Monday, May 28, 2012

Highs and Lows

It's been hard for me to write this past week as my emotions have been all over the place. There have been highs and there have been lows and there has not really been any one event which would really warrant either emotion!

I'll start off by saying that I am writing today from the warmth of my dining room - it's 79 degrees in here and that is with every fan in the house on.  The AC guy will be out first thing tomorrow (yay!) but that means one more night of ick.  I do not do well in the heat and I am melting fast over here and it's annoying me.  Earlier today, I was almost in tears about it.  That was a low.

On Saturday, we spent the day with my brother and sister-in-law and our favorite Pennsylvania niece.  Ella is walking all over the place and smiling and clapping and it's impossible to feel badly when I am around her. Often times I wonder how it would be if she was walking and smiling and clapping with her cousin by her side, but on Saturday, I was able to just experience the joy that is my brother's child.  And my sister-in-law, who designs jewelry on the side, made this bracelet for me.  I asked her for one a few weeks ago and she took the idea and ran with it.  I have only taken if off so far to snap this picture.   The picture does not do it justice...it's sparkly and pretty with pink beads and crystals and it's more than what I hoped for.  I love it.  That was a high.

We have been seeing the fertility specialist A LOT.  I do not blog about it much as the emotions from all of our visits are really something Gary and I have to work on just the two of us.  I have been missing a lot of work, spending piles of money and going through all kinds of tests in the hopes that one day Allie will be a big sister.  I know it will be worth it in the end which is why we are jumping through all these hoops, but it's exhausting.  So that is a low-high.

Tomorrow marks 2 years from when I walked down that isle and said, "I do" to the love of my life.  Last year's anniversary was bittersweet as we were planning on having a newborn at home with us.  This year, we still miss her like mad, but we have learned to live our lives with her spirit in our hearts and have hope for a living baby to one day share this house with us.  We have struggled to stay sane these past 13 months but the one thing that neither of us ever had to do was question our love for each other.  That's a definite high.

Last month, I commissioned a woman to draw a sketch of Allie. I will post the pic sometime soon, after we have had the chance to show the sketch to our friends and family.  I saw on Facebook, though, that this same woman goes to the beach twice a month near her house in Charleston, SC and writes the names of babies in the sand for anyone that wants it.  I signed up this month and got this picture.  I LOVE IT.  It's so beautiful.  We already ordered several copies and may frame it next to her portrait.  We'll see.  So, another "high", I suppose.

And now I am seeing a pattern.  There are way more highs than lows.  It always happens that when I write - it puts my life into perspective.  If the only lows were no AC (which still kinda sucks, but in the grand scheme of things...) and the chaos of doctor's appointments, well, that's not too bad, huh? 

So I will close with this last image from the past few days.  My husband, my very own superhero, playing outside with Ella. She is clutching the Captain America toy that was from Gary's very own collection.  I am not sure that it gets cuter than that!   In fact, I know that it doesn't!


1 comment:

  1. your posts always have so much I want to comment on, but I will say that I LOVE the picture of allie's name and I LOVE your bracelet!! Also, I met my twin nieces last weekend and I felt the same way you do, I just couldn't feel bad when I was holding those sweet babies. The fertility doctors do NOT sound fun but it will be worth it like you said. I hope Allie gets to be a big sister soon!! Hope you do something fun for your anniversary!

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