Life Goes On

Last Tuesday, our OB called us and left a voice mail that the chromosomal tests that we had been waiting for would never be coming back.  Somehow there was something added to the tissue sample that made it impossible to perform the test.  She apologized profusely and repeated, as she had in the past, that she really did not think there were any chromosomal abnormalities, but there is just no way to know for sure.  She was going to report this grievance to the head of Labor and Delivery at the hospital and told us that we could report it as well, if that is what we wanted to do.

9 weeks of waiting and this is what we got?  A big, fat NOTHING!!  

After the tears stopped, Gary and I talked about what to do.   Going after who made this mistake is not going to change what happened or bring Allie back.  But we need to make sure that mistakes like this do not happen again.  If this error was something that caused Allie to pass, then we would have driven to the hospital that night and demanded answers.  But that is not the case and thus, we are at a loss.  There is no way I can call anyone without raising my blood pressure to crazy high levels, so Gary is going to follow through with the hospital this week.  We might write a letter, too.    We want to make sure our voice is heard and that the lab and the people responsible for ruining our test are held accountable.

Lately I feel so out of sorts.   It's been just over 10 weeks since our saga began - not even a trimester, in baby terms.   We have now seen most of our family and friends and we have told our story to most of the people that we know.  We have seen and held and played with babies  and children of all ages and talked about how that made us feel.  Surprisingly good for the most part!! We have now almost made it through another holiday weekend without our baby in our arms.  We are loving each other as much as we possibly can.  

I am still so sad so often, but I seem to recover more quickly of late.  I can be sad in the morning and then ok by lunch and vice versa.  I am trying to physically take care of myself better with power walks and bike rides and a healthier diet so that my body is in better shape and hopefully ready to carry a baby again.

I still do not understand how this could have happened to us.  I still think I will wake up and our baby will be here with us.  I look forward to having a living child and making sure he or she knows all about his or her big sister who (to me) was so brave and strong.  I feel better when I look forward and not back.  Sometimes it is just so hard to look forward, though.

Two years ago, we went to a July 4th party at my best friend's house.  I had just moved into Gary's apartment and was hoping to get engaged soon and hopefully buy a house with him.  Last year we went to the same party with our wedding album in hand and proudly showed it off to everyone.  This year, we went with heavy hearts and new tattoo's to commemorate our first born.  I am very curious to see how it will be when we go next year...and I can't help but smile when I think that you just never know...

And now as I get ready to hit "publish post", I realize that I am not so sad right now.  The fog has lifted.  Life goes on.