And so it began, just like I feared. The door opened wide, the hygienist (whom I really like so much) gives me a wide grin and says, “How’s the baby?” I look at her and ask if we can go back to where the chairs are and out of the waiting room. And then I started to cry.
I told her that unfortunately, my baby had died. She hugged me so tight and she started crying and then apologizing for asking. I said please do not be! The last time you saw me, I was 6 months pregnant and she had no way of knowing that this would happen! No one did! So do not be mad for liking me so much and for being so happy for me that it was the first thing you wanted to know. Of course, I am not sure she understood any of what I was saying as I was mumbling into her shoulder as the tears flowed.
A dear friend reminded me yesterday that dentists are used to fragile folks – people that do not like going to see them but have to suck it up and deal with it anyway. So I bet they are used to tears. But not before the exam even begins!!
The dentist heard the crying and came rushing over and looked at me with an inquisitive look. I looked back and said, “My baby was stillborn. 37 weeks and 1 day. I delivered her via c section. It was a nightmare.” I waited a beat and then I said, “I am ok”. Cause I am. I explained how sorry I was to tell them this way, but I knew of no other way. I told them I had been dreading the appointment for months! I told them that Gary and I have been taking care of each other and that we can try again when the time is right and how I do not have any regrets. And we don’t.
So now I told someone. And I sucked at it. But I am ok with not knowing the best way to share such awful news.
With this appointment finally behind me, I feel like it’s time to move on to the next chapter. I go back in 6 months and who knows what shape I will be in then? Maybe I’ll have happy news to share again. You never know.
Now I can really look forward to Chicago. Tomorrow at this time I will be at the gate, waiting to board my plane. Gary is on a business trip and will meet me there. If that is not romantic, I do not know what is! We are making lemonade these days, and it tastes so sweet…
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I don't think you sucked at it at all! Quite the contrary, actually. I'm just glad it's successfully behind you, dreading a thing is always soooo much worse than the actual thing. Have a fantastic trip! Call when you're back so I can hear all about it! :)
ReplyDeleteGlad that visit is behind you, now that is one more yucky thing you can cross off your list. I really don't know if it ever gets "easier" to tell people, sucks for me everytime!
ReplyDeleteI've been avoiding the dentist, too. Was supposed to go when I was 38 weeks pregnant, but cancelled. Good for you for facing that fear and embracing this new chapter of grief.
ReplyDeleteHope you have fun in Chicago and just enjoy your time with your husband!