My Dearest Allie,
It’s been a while since I have written to you. I find it
easier to write about you than it is to write to you.
I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Even more than
usual. This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, but it’s more than that.
A family member had a baby girl yesterday. I was holding my
breath until she arrived. To me, pregnancy does not always equal babies, and labor does not mean babies, either.
I need to know there was a cry, a scream, a noise, anything…to let me know that
the baby is alive. And even then, my breath catches in my throat.
I went to physical therapy this morning for my plantar fasciitis
which is not getting better and thus has me pretty irritated. No one knows
there me there, and so I am a blank slate.
I talk about my injury, and I talk about treatment, and every so often, I get a chance
to talk about your sister. Never have I been able to talk about you. Sometimes,
I just can’t.
From there, I went to get a pedicure. When you have people
working on your foot 2-3 times a week, it’s key to make that foot look as good
as you can. At least, that’s how I feel. Anyway, the woman in the chair next to
me was very pregnant. I overheard her say she was 37 weeks pregnant. With a girl. I could not
even look at her. She was me. I was her. The difference is, tomorrow, that baby
in her belly would be dead if she were me. But this woman will hopefully be
spared that agony and have a healthy baby in a few weeks.
I do not take anything for granted anymore. Not since the day I learned I lost you. I do not expect happy
endings, although I still crave them. I am still human, after all.
Allie, your sister and I were cuddling last night for no
reason at all. Just because it felt good and
warm and safe (and I think she as delaying bed time, actually). I miss all
of those cuddles we never got to have. I miss all the things that were taken away
from us unfairly – first words and first haircuts and first days of school. I
cannot even think about what it would be like if you were here and in first
grade and all that comes along with it. Would the tooth fairy be coming soon?
What would you want to be for Halloween?
I yearn to hold you again and wish I took more pictures of
you after you were born. I wish I asked the nurse to cut off a lock of your
hair so I could rub it between my aching fingers and have a piece of you that I
could touch. I wish we had more time. I always
wish for more time.
On Saturday, we will drive out
to Lancaster and light a candle for you and celebrate the love and light you
brought to us, even though you are not here to see it. We will stand with other
families like ours, and we remember you.
We see you. We love you. We
will never forget you.
Thank you for making me a
mom, sweet girl. I love you more.
Forever and a day,
Mommy
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