Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Mother Vs. Mom

Yesterday, Miranda and I went to the movies. She was so incredible. The previews were a bit too long and loud, but she sat through without complaining until the Disney logo filled the screen.

As the music started to play and we both began to get lost in the story, I looked over at my not-so-much-a-baby-anymore and found myself grinning from ear to ear. I am a mom. This is my daughter.  I am happy. She is happy.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if Allie was still here. Way different than it is now, for sure. Lately, I have been thinking how Allie made me a mother. Absolutely no question about that. Miranda is the child, though, that made me a mom.

A mother, to me, does everything she can to make sure her child is safe. She loves unconditionally and gives completely.

A mom, to me, does the hard work. The feedings, the bath time, the bedtime routine. A mom knows the emergency number to the pediatrician with having to look it up. A mom knows what food her kid will pick if given an option. A mom knows what her kid is up to, often before the kid knows.

I missed out on being a mom to Allie and I wonder if that is why I try so hard to make sure I am a great mom to Miranda?

Maybe it has nothing to do with death and loss and grief. Maybe I just see this gift of child and know that she deserves it all, until the time when she can get it all and do it all for herself.

I do not want to overcompensate for what Miranda will never have. I do not want to shower her with gifts (some may argue this ship has sailed!) or try to pretend that life would be the same if her sister was here with us. I just want her to grow up strong and loved and confident and fierce. 

I love being Allie's mother. I love being Miranda's mom. I do not have to pick just one title or the other. Today I feel like I am both. From my experience, both is better than none any day! 

Lastly, I think that if I forget, a certain sassy little lady of mine, the one who told me I was hogging the popcorn yesterday, will remind me!

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