The Past is my Present

5 years ago today, I was sitting at work. I had no idea that in a few short days, my life would come crashing down around me.

5 years ago, I was checking baby registries and buying baby clothes and thinking about my new niece who was just born and imagining that they were going to be the best of friends.

5 years ago, I was naive and innocent and probably even smug. At almost 37 weeks pregnant, I thought the hard part was behind me. All the appointments and tests and monitoring and anxiety would all be over and once I survived labor, I would have the most precious gift in the universe to call mine.

April 19, 2011. I felt her kick. I dreamed of her face.
April 19, 2016. I still miss her kicks. I still dream of her face.

How do you miss someone you never really knew? Ah, well, I did know her, right? I knew that little girl of porcelain skin and curly dark hair. I knew her as she knew me - from the inside out. And although I only held her in my arms after her life had ended, that does not mean I did not get to know her.

Allison. My Allie. How has it been almost 5 years? Her birthday is Friday. Earth Day. Seems fitting.

She was the only baby I conceived. She was the only baby that ever grew inside my body. We shared flesh and blood and so much more. She was the only being who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.

She made me a mom. She made me realize that I needed to keep on being a mom and pushed us to become parents again. 

This week is hard. My arms ache for her even more than usual.

No one should have to bury a child. That is a grief unlike any other.

I try to leave the past in the past and live in the present. This week, the past is my present. It just is.

I love you, sweet butterfly. For as long as I am alive, so to are you.

Happy almost birthday.

Image drawn by portraitsbydana.com