March

March is a big month for us. 

It is the month we were chosen to be Miranda's parents. 

It is the month Miranda was born.

It was the last full month that Allie was alive.

It was the month that my father died.

It's hard to be a mom to a child on earth as well as a child in heaven. How do I fully embrace being Miranda's mom and all of her accomplishments and milestones without feeling that I am neglecting her sister?

For the most part, I just do. I don't have time to stop and think - I just plow forward with life. It's the only thing that is fair to the daughter that is here. And to the daughter that is not, she has to know how full my heart is for her.

There is such a difference between losing a child and losing a parent, as I have written about before. I remember when my uncle died before I was even nine years old. I remember that everyone was so upset for my grandparents. "Parents should not have to bury their children" I heard over and over again. He was too young. Now I know almost everyone is too young when they die. At least to me.

I think of my dad so much less than I think of my child, and yet the pain of his not being here to experience my life the way it is now is very sharp at times. Although he was not the parent to me that I needed him to be and although he was so sick at the end that his memory was all but gone, that does not mean I loved him any less.

Love and loss. They seem quite related to me.

I remember not being able to laugh after Allie died. It felt like a betrayal to her and that is very common in grief. Now when I laugh, it is that much louder and that much harder because I realize what a gift it is to even laugh at all.

I am one of the lucky ones. In spite of it all, I know this to be true. I love and am loved. Two things I certainly do not take for granted.

I had a boss once who accurately said I was either all or nothing. I liked someone or I didn't. The world was black and white. Right or wrong. No middle ground. I like to think that I have mellowed out over the years and I am not like that any more. I no longer believe in absolutes. I can be happy and I can be sad. I can live in the moment but not forget the past. 

I kind of like the new(er) me. She's less opinionated, but still has opinions. Less judgmental, but still reserves the right to judge. Happy more than she is sad. Most days, anyway...

A very happy day