After much research and planning, I was able to schedule Miranda to be converted to Judaism later this month. In Judaism, any child born to a Jewish mother is Jewish. Since Miranda was not born to me, we have to take a few added steps. We will go to a Mikvah, which is a "ritual bath" and a rabbi will declare her Jewish. I am still waiting on the details of how the day will go down and if we can give Miranda her Hebrew name officially on that day as well. It's very exciting to me that once this step is complete, we are officially done with everything that will make Miranda "ours".
And then what? I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's just that things are so, well, good. Can it just be this way?
Don't get me wrong. We have our share of drama. I have days that I would rather not think about. I wish I slept more. I wish I worked out more (or lately...ever). I wish for all sorts of things. But what I wished for the most is upstairs right now napping and I'll be damned if I can find a reason to be unhappy when I am surrounded by such joy day in and day out.
My mom asked me the other day if I think about Allie every day. It was such a hard question. I explained that to me, we are a family of 4. That she is a part of us so much so that I sometimes forget that she is not here. But then in my mind, she is still an infant, the infant I held in the hospital the day she was born and has not had a chance to grow and thrive and grow. So I think of her, but more as a being and a spirit. I think of her in terms of myself and my pregnancy and the dreams I had for my first born but not in terms of what her future will hold as sadly, she does not have one. I think of her as my beautiful and sweet daughter and I miss her terribly. Since Miranda, I allow myself to think of what we missed with Allie and that has been hard. But my heart is strong enough to handle it. Or so I hope.
Yesterday, we had the honor to go to a party to celebrate the adoption of another lucky little girl. There must have been 75-100 people there to welcome this baby into her family. Adoption is the best thing that happened to us and it's a joy to see other families experience it, too. We have friends now that we met through our agency who have become incredibly important to us as well. We have experienced the most sacred thing and they understand the nuances of it as they have experienced it, too.
And so I need to let go of this notion that something bad is gonna happen - that the other shoe is gonna drop. Perhaps we are allowed to have this bliss - this happiness. We earned it, that's for sure! I just need to stop protecting my heart so much and go with the flow. I am trying. Each day, I am trying a bit more.
|Learning to stand|
|Look what I can do!|
|More standing practice|