Saturday, January 4, 2014

Forever Afraid

I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant and lost the baby at around 12 weeks.  The doctor called it a stillbirth and told me that I had to carry the baby to term.  It was scary and awful and yet in my dream, it just seemed to be the way it was.  I was not surprised or alarmed - I just was.

Deciding to adopt gave me the freedom to not have to worry about being pregnant again.  It allowed me to break free from counting the days of my cycle and ovulation tests and then pregnancy tests.  It allowed me to stop hormone injections and needle pricks and invasive internal ultrasounds.  The more I think about what adoption means to me, the more I wish we made the choice sooner and yet know that we made it at exactly the right time - when it was right for us.

I used to struggle with pregnant women.  At first I was jealous and then that turned to fear and I would be almost manic waiting to hear when the baby in question was born.  Now I am sort of indifferent.  I am no longer jealous but still a little worried.  But overall, I see the joy in the eyes of the expectant parents and try to just ride that wave with them.

So much of my life was pre-Allie or post-Allie.  Then I found it being pre-Miranda or post-Miranda.  My wish for 2014 is that life is just yesterday, today and tomorrow.  That it is not defined by who has died or who was born.  It just is.

I am a woman with 2 daughters.  One in my heart and one in my arms.  That is who I will forever be.  I can live with that.

The depression and anxiety that I have felt for so long has started to lift.  I feel more and more like myself again.  I am focusing more on what I have than what I don't have.  The love, the relationships, the connections...those are all the things that matter to me.  

In a few weeks, I am turning 40.  I am not sure how since I swear I was just 21 not that long ago.  And although the number scares me as I remember when my own mother was 40, I realize it's just that - a number.  I have a lot to be proud of in my 40 years here and know that there is so much more in my future that is yet to be determined.    

I do not want to be forever afraid.  I just want to be...well...me.




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