Thursday, October 17, 2013

The Journey

Six and a half months ago, I was working full time and had no baby to raise.

Now I am a stay at home mom with a very full plate.

I went from training classes on Communication Skills to training Miranda how to eat solids and to nap.  Quite a difference!

I am not a patient person and that is coming out more and more every day.  I also question myself and my skills much more than in necessary and end up in tears more than I care to admit.  Parenting is HARD work.  Rewarding?  Yes.  Difficult?  Yes!

Sometimes I feel that it's harder for me as I did not have the 9 months of a pregnancy to prepare.  There are some very unique things about adoption.  I think the biggest is "the wait".  You do not know when you will get the call that you have been chosen and when you do get the call, will it be that a birth mom chose you and you have x amount of months till the baby is born or could it be that a birth mom chose you and your baby was born last night?  Both happen.  Both change your life in an instant.

We had from March 13th to March 31st to prepare.  (Yes, Gary plays those numbers.  A lot).  But we had Allie's whole pregnancy to prepare, too.  We had multiple baby showers so we had a crib and a changing table and a stroller and diapers and a bumbo seat and a bouncy seat and everything else in-between. Luckily, since our call was that a baby girl was on the way, we also had all the right clothes. And for all the right seasons since Allie was also born in the Spring.

At first I thought I would want all new stuff for the new baby.  Then I realized exactly how much I wanted to use Allie's things.  Not all of it - some were so "hers" that they went into her memory box or just away.  But most were things we had chosen with love and excitement and I have to say, I got extreme joy out of seeing the nursery put back together and using all of the things that had been given to us with so much love.

This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and it is a very different month to me than it was the last 2 years.  With Miranda by our sides (or on my lap), my grief is different.  In some ways, I do not have time to mourn as I once did.  In other ways, I feel so lucky that Allie prepared us for parenthood that I feel pride and not grief.  But then I go to visit her tree or light a candle in her honor or attend a balloon release and the tears flow now just as much as they did then.  I guess grief really is a journey and sometimes there is traffic and sometimes you are the only ones on the road.

To everyone that light a candle for Allie on Tuesday (the official Day of Remembrance) and to everyone who supports and loves us each and every day, thank you.  We have come a long way.  We have even longer to go.  With a still guarded heart, I can't wait to see what route we take next.

Look how much our life changed in six and a half months.  Amazing.

October 15th

Allie "Bear" and Miranda
Happy baby


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