48 Hours of Bliss

"It's positive" the nurse said on the phone.  "Your HCG levels are low and we have to bring you back in two days for repeat blood work, but for now, we have a positive."  There was more, but the important thing was that we had a positive.  All the months of oral medications that made my stomach upset and injections in the morning and then more at night and internal ultrasounds and blood work and more money than we have spent on anything EVER and daily appointments before dawn...it was all worth it!  We had a positive.

Gary and I knew that my levels were low and that it could go either way.  But instead of home testing all weekend to see if the line got darker and darker, we decided to just enjoy being positive.  Gary stopped on his way home from work on Friday and got a little stuffed animal turtle for us.  We sat on the couch and just looked at each other and allowed ourselves to feel happy and hopeful and optimistic.  We feel asleep around 8...we were that exhausted from the day.

The next morning, Gary went out and got fresh bagels for breakfast.  We laughed a lot and enjoyed each other and we were happy.  We knew it was too soon to be happy but we were "cautiously optimistic".  I remember saying that this baby felt like he or she was gonna give me morning sickness.  I did not have that with Allie.  I had a dream one night last week that we were having a boy so we started talking about boy names.  We knew it was too early but after all our pain and sorrow and grief, we were going to take whatever optimism we could find!

That afternoon we went to a birthday party for the daughter of a close friend.  She has just turned one.  I was happy to skip the yummy hot dogs and the various kinds of wine....I was positive, after all!  No nitrates for me!  No alcohol in this system!  I had a being to protect!

Sunday came before we knew it.  As we drove the doctor's office, we talked about what would happen if we were no longer positive.  We could understand it - after all, we were so newly positive.  14 days.  2 weeks.  Not 37 weeks.  This was not like being pregnant with Allie.  This experience was a whole new one for us. If my levels dropped, that would mean this baby was not meant to be.  But surely that would not happen, right?

We got home and waited for the phone to ring.  My palms were sweaty.  My heart was racing.  My head was pounding from the stress and the lack of caffeine over the past few days.  Then the phone rang.

I knew as soon as she said my name. Gary leaned back before he even heard the words.  "I am so sorry.  Your levels dropped too much.  This is not a viable pregnancy.  It was a chemical pregnancy."  There was more but the important thing was that we no longer had a positive. 

When the tears started, they were so intense that I did not think they were ever going to stop.  I thought I was going to throw up.  Gary was so upset that he wanted to physically do something.  He later told me he wished there was a down tree somewhere near by that he could hack into.  Something.  Anything.  

A chemical pregnancy means the embryo never had a chance to implant.  There was never a heartbeat.  

Allie was "Baby K" before we told the world her name and at some point last weekend, I said to Gary that this was "Baby K2".  Damn.  We knew from the onset that this outcome was possible, unlike when we lost Allie.  We had 48 hours and not 37 weeks.  So many differences and yet the pain all feels the same.

The good news came on Friday. The bad news came on Sunday.  Monday we went back to work.  Today I can finally breathe enough to write about it.  No baby.  No sibling for Allie.  No rainbow.  No hope.  No positive.

We met with the doctor today.  We have some time to decide what to do next.  Gary and I have a lot to discuss and a lot to think about.  We are in this together and he has my back no matter what.  We have each other and I can't for ONE second forget the power of that.

We are not sure what our next steps are, but we do know this...we had 48 hours of bliss and nothing can take that away from us.  For 48 hours, we were parents again.  For 48 hours, we had hope.  It was the most spectacular feeling in the world.

This turtle now sits on a shelf in the office next to a little Piglet that we got for Allie before she was born.