Monday, October 15, 2012

The Circle Game

I grew up in a house where music was all around.  Folk music in particular.  Lots of Peter, Paul and Mary.  For some reason, this song popped into my head today.  It's a classic by Joni Mitchell called "The Circle Game".  Below is the chorus.

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

The sense of calm I get from this song is unmatched.  I just hit play over and over again and letting the words wash over me.  We just go round and round...just like the seasons...we can't return (go back) but we can look behind to see where we have been and move forward from there.  I just could not stop listening to it today.

On Friday, I went to visit my dad.  He's pretty ill I do not write about him much as I am just not sure where he fits into my life or how I fit into his.  He went from Assisted Living to a Nursing Home and is wheelchair bound now.  I was worried he would not know me any more and I was not sure if I could handle that.  We have a long and crazy history, but the fact of the matter is, he is still my dad.  And the minute he looked up and saw me, his face lit up.  We did not stay long.  There was not much to say.  His memory has faded and he does not have a lot of energy.  I assure him that his children were all doing well and that we loved him and I kissed him as we walked out the door.  I felt an eerie calm as we left. I'll go back soon to see him again.

Yesterday, Gary and I took Ella for a few hours and we went to an event sponsored by our company at a local farm.  We were so proud to show off our niece!  She picked out her own pumpkin and carried it around all day.  She loved to look at the cows and the pigs and tried to make the noises that they made.  Someone from my company remarked that my daughter and her granddaughter were the same age. I corrected her and said that Ella was my niece. She seemed confused so I quickly explained that yes, Ella was born in April 2011.  Her granddaughter was born in March of 2011.  That woman saw me pregnant last year and then saw me with a sweet little girl and it made sense that she would think she was mine.  I bet she was not the only one.

I love being an aunt and I think I am good at it. I know Gary loves being an Uncle, too.  I love that those are roles that we would excel at no matter what.   

"And the seasons, they go 'round and 'round"...the leaves are changing around here and my flip flops are back to spending more time in my closet than on my feet.  Life is moving on and I have no choice but to move along with it.  "We're captive on the carousel of time"...moving forward each and every day.  Make peace with my life.  Mending my heart.  Making sure my baby is always remembered, never forgotten, and hopefully making me a better person for having created her.

It's been about and hour and a half now now since we lit our candle tonight. Since you all lit your candles and sent me pictures or uploaded them to Facebook.  The wave of light that you all have helped us create and shown that although Allie is gone, she is never ever forgotten. What a gift.

The "painted ponies go up and down"...I hope there is a carousel where you are baby girl and that you are enjoying the ride.

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