Tuesday, October 23, 2012

18 Months

It's been 18 months since we said hello and goodbye to our baby girl in the same breath.  It's been 18 months of learning to live without her.  It's been 18 months of heartache and tears and agony.  18 months since we put her things into storage in her basement and 18 months since our foundation was rocked to the very core.

Time matters to me - always has.  I am a scheduler and a planner and I have several watched in a variety of colors and styles so that I can always know exactly what time it is.  I am that person who goes overseas and says..."It's only 7 at home!" or whatever the time may be.  I find time fascinating.

I do not think Gary is as much of a time person.  I know when it comes to our daughter, he measures the time we had with her more than the time without her.  I do not think either one of us is right, it's just the way it is.

18 months.  It seems so long to me.  It's twice the amount of time we had her and I guess that resonates with me.

My youngest brother and his wife have spent the last year traveling all over the world.  Thailand, Ireland, England, Italy, Spain...to name just a few places!  They are in Bulgaria now and heading out to Greece in a little over a week.  And from there, India.  And in the midst of all their travels and life experiences, they took a few minutes in Barcelona to remember their niece.  This is the gift they sent...along with Zoe adoring it.  A beautiful hand painted tile of a butterfly.  A nod to Allie and how she is everywhere.  We love it.  It's on my nightstand for the moment so I can see it first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  Eventually we will find just the right place to hang it. 

I was talking to a close friend of mine earlier today and I said how time does not make the loss any better.  That's not entirely true.  Time had closed the wound so that it only opens up every once a while now.  Time has made it so I can get up every day and be an active member of society.  I can go to work and I can go out to eat and I can go to a movie and I can laugh.  I never thought I would laugh again.  So time has helped to some extent.  But in other ways, no amount of time will change that my first born is not here and never will be.

We were at a wedding over the weekend and someone leaned it to me as we were leaving and whispered, "Congratulations!  I heard the great news!"  It took me a second to find my footing as we did not have any good news to share.  We have been trying to get pregnant and that is not a secret but somehow this person must have heard that we had success...when in fact, we have not. So I just smiled and said, "Not yet, but hopefully soon!" as I walked away with a silly smile on my face so as to not make that person feel badly.  It took me a few moments to catch my breath.  Maybe soon.

Someday we will have news.  I just know it.  And then we will be in for months and months of a whole new journey of what to say and how to act and how to feel and all the while knowing that I will want to just live in the maternity ward to make sure nothing bad happens to Allie's sibling.  I am so ready for that day.

Hopefully it will be sometime within the next 18 months.


  1. Gosh, 18 months does seem like a long time :( It feels like just yesterday. I'm still here reading along, and know what a happy day it will be when I read "the news!"

  2. sending a hug to you, Sam. I totally relate/agree with your thoughts about time not making your loss any better/has helped to some degree. praying your time will be here soon.


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