Friday, June 22, 2012

My Heart

" I bet it is safe to say that there are others like me out there that are rooting you on from afar." 

This was the last sentence of an email that I got from an old friend.  We ran into each other at the fertility doctor of all places.  Our parents were friends and we grew up together.  I had not seen her in years and then low and behold at 7AM on a random weekday morning, there she stood.  She looked up and saw me at the same time as I saw her and we both were overcome with emotion.

She knew of our loss and wanted to reach out but never knew how.  I told her I understood as I do. She filled me in on her life and the life of her family.  It was wonderful to catch up and I left there feeling very positive.  Then we got the call that day that we were not pregnant and I shut down.  Today I saw her email in my In Box and knew I had to write about it.  For how lovely it was to see her that morning, it was just as sweet to get an email from her that evening to let me know that Gary and I are never far from her mind and heart.

My last blog was a shout out of sorts - different from how I usually write.  I was worried I might not get any replies.  Never was I more wrong!  I heard from friends far and wide - friends I made through blogging, friends I have on Facebook, friends from my adult life and friends from my youth.  All week long, stories have poured in from my "sisters" that is what you are to me.  I read each and every word from women and mother's out there who reached out to me.  I shed tears over the love that was shown to me and the stories that were shared.  I am learning to blame myself less and less.  I am trying to forgive my body.

I often feel alone in this journey - alone with my anger and my sadness and my fear.  Like Gary and I are on an island that no one else has access to.  People want to visit, but they do not have a passport or the vacation time.  You all have shown me time and time again that nothing is further from the truth. 

I recently wrote about the sketch that we got made of Allie a while back.  It arrived about a month ago and we have been savoring it and slowly showing it to our family. A special thanks to Dana at who made this amazing drawing for us.  She has a wonderful talent that she is putting to great use.  I found out about her from another blog and I hope to pay it forward my mentioning her on mine.  Without further ado, here is our daughter.  Here is my heart.  Here is Allison Paige.

Thanks again for all your love and support.  I am pleased to finally be able to introduce our angel to all of you.


  1. Oh Sam I'm so glad you shared your Allie with us, wow is she beautiful! I'm glad you have this. Just beautiful. So unfair that she is not in your arms now, too perfect for words!

  2. she is gorgeous (but you already know that!) THANK YOU for sharing her. :)

  3. What a beauty! Thank you for sharing her with us <3


The Grief Bomb

For years after Allie died, I was worried about each and every pregnant person that I knew. Or read about. Or heard a story about. If I sa...