Ebb and Flo

Ebb and flow or ebb and flood is a term used to describe the movement of water, often in relation to natural tides. It is commonly used metaphorically.

I have talked about water in the past - feeling under water and not being able to breathe. This week, I heard myself use the term "drowning"...yet another metaphor involving water.

We had out last session with our grief counselor on Monday as she is going out on maternity leave any day. (Insert irony here). We LOVE her and at this stage, do not want to see anyone else. So we are planning to wait till she is back to work, unless we have an urgent need to see someone else, in which case we can call the center and make an appointment.

Maybe because it was our last appointment for a few months or maybe because this month marks 9 months since we held Allie in our arms, but it was a rough session. It's one that even now I cannot really put into words. And if there were the right words, I am not sure I would write them as it was so personal and so intimate that it seems almost rude to share.

What I can tell you is this...our counselor said there is a popular expression that people in her field use..."stop shoulding all over yourself". Take the word "should" right out of your head. No more...I can't celebrate this occasion or that event because I should be home with an infant...no more I can't be happy because I should be with my baby and I am not. No more thinking like that. It gets you nowhere and it's just not healthy.

I am trying to reprogram myself and it's hard. But I am taking it one step at a time and sometimes I find that it works. As for the others, come on - it's only been a few days! I am working on it!

The other thing I can tell you is this...my husband was worried back in April that he was going to lose everything - his baby and his wife. I heard him say this before, but I am not sure I got it. I do not think my brain would let me process it. I get it now, G. I am still here. You have rescued me from the choppy waters. I hope I have done the same for you. Now let's dry off, lay in the sand and start this next chapter of our lives. Let's take care of each other and keep healing and when the time is right, be parents. Our journey is just beginning in so many ways. I love you.

And with that, I am packing up my desk as my new job starts on Monday. I am super excited and anticipate being super busy. I will write when I can - rest assured! Until then...heads up everyone. You never know when another wave is coming.