Sunday, December 18, 2011

Feeling...good?

Grief is such an odd "thing".  I am not sure if it's an emotion or feeling or state of mind or stage or what so I am just gonna call it a thing.  It makes you sad and keeps you sad.  It can take away the ability to see the happy in situations. It can smother you like a blanket and take your breath away.  It will allow you to go through the motions of life, but in a way, stop you from actually living.

I have worked for my company for about 5 and a 1/2 years.  Last March, I went to HR and talked about making a change.  I was 7 months pregnant and it was going to be hard to put the baby in daycare and come back to a job that I was not 100% passionate about.  I loved the people I worked with and I knew I wanted to stay at the company, but I wanted something a little more me...and something that was going to really challenge me.

Then we lost Allie.  Our world stopped.  Time stopped.  Everything went black.

6 weeks after the worst day of our lives, I went back to work.  Going back was good for me as it made me feel needed and it obviously helped pay our mortgage and bills.  I went through the motions, buried in grief, but did what I had to to get by.  I did not care what I did, as long as I was doing something.

About a month ago, I was in the cafeteria getting ice from the ice machine and I saw a posting for a job that practically screamed, "Sam, look at me!".  The open position was for a Training Specialist and it involves training and leading and teaching and all the things I have really wanted to do for a while.  I will get to travel to our other facilities and I will be constantly challenged and pushed to my limits.  

I went to HR and expressed my interest.  I met with the hiring manager and expressed my interest again.  I met with a person in the department and well, you get it.  Last week, I was given an assignment to do as part of my interview.   I had to present a 15-30 minute class with Power Point slides and a logo and a brand and a theme and a flyer and I worked harder this past week than I have in longer than I care to admit.  I practiced every night and had Gary help me and then help me again and then help me some more until I got it right.  I was scared and nervous and I second-guessed myself a lot.

My presentation was 9:30 this past Friday.  I knew it was good.  I knew it was me.  I knew I did the best job possible.  I knew it more when HR called shortly after lunch to offer me the job. 

I gladly accepted.  I ran down to tell Gary.  I did it!  We did it!  (There are so many perks to us working for the same company!).  I was so proud of myself and it felt so...good??  Yeah, it felt good!  I worked hard and went after something and I got it.  Here's the best part - I felt good and I let myself feel good!  

It's now 2 days later and I still feel good.  Is my daughter still gone?  Yes.  Am I still sad?  Hell, yes.  But am I making the most of my life?  For the first time since April, the answer is yes.

I found this on my way home from work on Friday and bought it as a treat for getting the job. I think I deserved it!  This blog has been so very helpful to me, as have each and every comment that you, the readers, has ever left.  So now I can be reminded of them all whether I am in front of my computer or not.

I know I am not "over" the grief.  I am not sure I ever will be.  But this week, I was able to compartmentalize that grief and the results were astounding.  I hope I can keep it up because it feels good to be able feel good again.  Nothing has changed, but everything has shifted.  And when it shifts back, I will now have this post to rely on.  I will read it and be reminded that sometimes, it's ok to feel good, too.  It really is...

2 comments:

  1. I totally agree. Grief, depression... even if you are able to sit back, take a look at the situation and realize what is going on it doesn't change much.

    Congratulations Sam, congrats on both accounts!

    Dimitre

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  2. Yay!!! for feeling good. Sometimes focusing on something else for awhile does feel really good! And congrats on the new job, I'm glad you found a spark of something good in this new opportunity. :)

    I like your idea of compartmentalizing your grief. I always read/hear people say that they learn how to integrate their grief into their lives and I think that may be slowly starting to happen for us.

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