Grief is such an odd "thing". I am not sure if it's an emotion or feeling or state of mind or stage or what so I am just gonna call it a thing. It makes you sad and keeps you sad. It can take away the ability to see the happy in situations. It can smother you like a blanket and take your breath away. It will allow you to go through the motions of life, but in a way, stop you from actually living.
I have worked for my company for about 5 and a 1/2 years. Last March, I went to HR and talked about making a change. I was 7 months pregnant and it was going to be hard to put the baby in daycare and come back to a job that I was not 100% passionate about. I loved the people I worked with and I knew I wanted to stay at the company, but I wanted something a little more me...and something that was going to really challenge me.
Then we lost Allie. Our world stopped. Time stopped. Everything went black.
6 weeks after the worst day of our lives, I went back to work. Going back was good for me as it made me feel needed and it obviously helped pay our mortgage and bills. I went through the motions, buried in grief, but did what I had to to get by. I did not care what I did, as long as I was doing something.
About a month ago, I was in the cafeteria getting ice from the ice machine and I saw a posting for a job that practically screamed, "Sam, look at me!". The open position was for a Training Specialist and it involves training and leading and teaching and all the things I have really wanted to do for a while. I will get to travel to our other facilities and I will be constantly challenged and pushed to my limits.
I went to HR and expressed my interest. I met with the hiring manager and expressed my interest again. I met with a person in the department and well, you get it. Last week, I was given an assignment to do as part of my interview. I had to present a 15-30 minute class with Power Point slides and a logo and a brand and a theme and a flyer and I worked harder this past week than I have in longer than I care to admit. I practiced every night and had Gary help me and then help me again and then help me some more until I got it right. I was scared and nervous and I second-guessed myself a lot.
My presentation was 9:30 this past Friday. I knew it was good. I knew it was me. I knew I did the best job possible. I knew it more when HR called shortly after lunch to offer me the job.
I gladly accepted. I ran down to tell Gary. I did it! We did it! (There are so many perks to us working for the same company!). I was so proud of myself and it felt so...good?? Yeah, it felt good! I worked hard and went after something and I got it. Here's the best part - I felt good and I let myself feel good!
It's now 2 days later and I still feel good. Is my daughter still gone? Yes. Am I still sad? Hell, yes. But am I making the most of my life? For the first time since April, the answer is yes.
I found this on my way home from work on Friday and bought it as a treat for getting the job. I think I deserved it! This blog has been so very helpful to me, as have each and every comment that you, the readers, has ever left. So now I can be reminded of them all whether I am in front of my computer or not.
I know I am not "over" the grief. I am not sure I ever will be. But this week, I was able to compartmentalize that grief and the results were astounding. I hope I can keep it up because it feels good to be able feel good again. Nothing has changed, but everything has shifted. And when it shifts back, I will now have this post to rely on. I will read it and be reminded that sometimes, it's ok to feel good, too. It really is...