Sunday, December 18, 2011


Grief is such an odd "thing".  I am not sure if it's an emotion or feeling or state of mind or stage or what so I am just gonna call it a thing.  It makes you sad and keeps you sad.  It can take away the ability to see the happy in situations. It can smother you like a blanket and take your breath away.  It will allow you to go through the motions of life, but in a way, stop you from actually living.

I have worked for my company for about 5 and a 1/2 years.  Last March, I went to HR and talked about making a change.  I was 7 months pregnant and it was going to be hard to put the baby in daycare and come back to a job that I was not 100% passionate about.  I loved the people I worked with and I knew I wanted to stay at the company, but I wanted something a little more me...and something that was going to really challenge me.

Then we lost Allie.  Our world stopped.  Time stopped.  Everything went black.

6 weeks after the worst day of our lives, I went back to work.  Going back was good for me as it made me feel needed and it obviously helped pay our mortgage and bills.  I went through the motions, buried in grief, but did what I had to to get by.  I did not care what I did, as long as I was doing something.

About a month ago, I was in the cafeteria getting ice from the ice machine and I saw a posting for a job that practically screamed, "Sam, look at me!".  The open position was for a Training Specialist and it involves training and leading and teaching and all the things I have really wanted to do for a while.  I will get to travel to our other facilities and I will be constantly challenged and pushed to my limits.  

I went to HR and expressed my interest.  I met with the hiring manager and expressed my interest again.  I met with a person in the department and well, you get it.  Last week, I was given an assignment to do as part of my interview.   I had to present a 15-30 minute class with Power Point slides and a logo and a brand and a theme and a flyer and I worked harder this past week than I have in longer than I care to admit.  I practiced every night and had Gary help me and then help me again and then help me some more until I got it right.  I was scared and nervous and I second-guessed myself a lot.

My presentation was 9:30 this past Friday.  I knew it was good.  I knew it was me.  I knew I did the best job possible.  I knew it more when HR called shortly after lunch to offer me the job. 

I gladly accepted.  I ran down to tell Gary.  I did it!  We did it!  (There are so many perks to us working for the same company!).  I was so proud of myself and it felt so...good??  Yeah, it felt good!  I worked hard and went after something and I got it.  Here's the best part - I felt good and I let myself feel good!  

It's now 2 days later and I still feel good.  Is my daughter still gone?  Yes.  Am I still sad?  Hell, yes.  But am I making the most of my life?  For the first time since April, the answer is yes.

I found this on my way home from work on Friday and bought it as a treat for getting the job. I think I deserved it!  This blog has been so very helpful to me, as have each and every comment that you, the readers, has ever left.  So now I can be reminded of them all whether I am in front of my computer or not.

I know I am not "over" the grief.  I am not sure I ever will be.  But this week, I was able to compartmentalize that grief and the results were astounding.  I hope I can keep it up because it feels good to be able feel good again.  Nothing has changed, but everything has shifted.  And when it shifts back, I will now have this post to rely on.  I will read it and be reminded that sometimes, it's ok to feel good, too.  It really is...


  1. I totally agree. Grief, depression... even if you are able to sit back, take a look at the situation and realize what is going on it doesn't change much.

    Congratulations Sam, congrats on both accounts!


  2. Yay!!! for feeling good. Sometimes focusing on something else for awhile does feel really good! And congrats on the new job, I'm glad you found a spark of something good in this new opportunity. :)

    I like your idea of compartmentalizing your grief. I always read/hear people say that they learn how to integrate their grief into their lives and I think that may be slowly starting to happen for us.


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