We live in a world of labels and I understand that. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife and a friend. I am a sister-in-law and a daughter-in-law. I am a cousin and a niece. And I am a mom. I AM A MOM.
I struggle with the strangest things these days. A comment taken the wrong way can upset me for hours. A bad outfit choice in the morning can have me hating my body all day. Grief is a process and I am hitting all the steps and stages along the way.
I do not want to be defined by Allie’s passing. I want to love her and cherish her, but I do not want to be “that girl who lost her baby” forever. That is just so much more to me than this grief and pain and loss. I read many blogs where I feel that some women are defined by their loss but I do not want that label. I want to be defined by what she was to me when she was with me and how she taught me to love and care even more than I ever dreamed. And how she taught her dad and me to love each other so very much.
Earlier this week, I found out that our grief counselor is pregnant. My reaction? Tears. Why is that? It’s not like we had trouble getting pregnant with Allie. I am hoping we have as much luck the next time around. It’s not like I do not know or see pregnant people on a daily basis. Two of my very dear friends are having babies this year and I am very happy for them. So why was I so wrecked by this news?
It took me a few hours, but I think I got it. I was jealous! Green with envy, as the saying goes. And trust me, I was very green. This woman who is so nice and kind and helpful is here in our lives solely because we suffered such a terrible loss. And now she is having what I can’t. And I have to be reminded of that at each session. She apologized and made the offer to switch us to another therapist as she knew this might be difficult, especially for me. She was very professional and apologetic for possibly adding any hurt to our lives. This was not planned and she would not have taken us on as new patients has she known.
But it’s not her pregnancy, per say, that bothered me. It was me. I did not feel any joy when she told us she was pregnant and that made me so sad. Have I lost the ability to be happy for others? I do not want to be that person who does not want others to be happy. Ugh! Am I so sad that I am afraid to be happy?
Nah, I do not think so. I think I was just thrown for a loop in a place and setting that is supposed to be safe for me and it knocked the wind out of me. By the time I went to sleep on Monday, I was already thinking that there is a chance our therapist (who is due in January) and I could actually be pregnant together. You just do not know.
I think we will continue with her – she has helped us a lot on our journey so far and I think another change would do more harm than good at this point. She is still the same therapist she has been - her pregnancy has not changed that.
So I can be all the labels I am – but not “numb” or “unfeeling”. Maybe that is the way I am now, but I refuse to be that way forever.
**My business cards arrived today! Gary designed them for me and I think they came out great! Thanks to the best husband EVER!!!**