In my spare time, I used to cruise our Baby Registry. Now I surf the web looking for other parents who have lost their child.
I used to look up baby clothes and books and activities and now I look up “trying to conceive after a stillborn” and “mourning the loss of your baby”.
Gary and I used to go out to dinner after work or catch a movie. Now we go to grief counseling.
I know that the pain will ease. I know some days are better than others. I know I will have good days and bad days. And yet I get so angry when I can’t snap out of it. I am beating myself up when I should be congratulating myself on making it through another hour, another morning, another afternoon, another night.
It seems that some people look at me differently now. Not sure if they should say something or not, so they smile with their mouths but their eyes look scared. Like what happened to us could be contagious.
I found a website that helped me a lot when I first got home from the hospital and I submitted our story to them a few weeks back. This week they posted it and it made me feel really good. Maybe my words will help someone else. The words of others have sure helped me. To read that we are not alone, that others have gone through this nightmare and come out on the other side, well, it’s comforting to say the least. You can read it here: http://facesofloss.com/2011/06/2047.html#more-2047
We had a session with our grief counselor this week and it was very helpful. She acknowledged that I am in a low place and that is ok and totally normal. It was like she gave me permission to feel some of what I am feeling and it was really good for me. She is also happy that I am writing and thinks that is very therapeutic. She does not know the half of it!
I knew going back to work would be hard. I sit in the same desk, looking at the same cubicle walls and remember all too well how the last time I sat on this chair, my baby was with me. Sitting at that desk, I feel her absence even more than when I am at home sometimes. I touch my belly and wait for her to kick. But no kicks come.
Last night, Gary and I went to dinner at the same place where we had our rehearsal dinner, a little over a year ago. We sat outside and enjoyed the weather and the food and the company. I said to him, "Let's make a point to always come back here. We were so happy here." Shortly after I said it, I realized that was not fair. We still have each other and we still manage to have some happy times. And hopefully more to come. So let's go back to continue being happy - not to find our happy - if that makes sense!
I woke up today and I felt that the fog from the last few days had been lifted. Granted, it's lunch time and I am still in my pajamas, but we have plans tonight and tomorrow and I think its ok to let myself have a few hours to just "be". Until my body is completely healed, I am afraid to exercise so I am taking it easy. It's hard, but certainly no harder than anything else! I do not feel as low today and for that, I am grateful.
One week of work down and I made it. No telling how next week will go, but I am sure it will be easier than this one. Or not. In which case, I will deal with it then. With the support of my friends and family and my new friends who are out there blogging and sharing their stories of loss with me. Together, we will make it somehow! We owe it to our babies and ourselves.