Hope

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift."        --Elizabeth Edwards (7/3/49-12/7/10)

I saw this quote on a blog that I follow.  I immediately copied and pasted it as it’s so poignant. Thanks, KC.  

Today we had our appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM).  To say I was a basket case this morning would be an understatement.  I was worried that this would be yet another doctor’s appointment where we got no answers and worried that driving back to the hospital would send me into a tailspin.  (For obvious reasons, Gary drove!).  Thankfully, for the first time in ages, my worry was for nothing!

The doctor we met with was very kind and very thorough.  He reviewed my chart and all the paperwork (including some paperwork I had brought from my OB’s office.)  Let this be a lesson to those out there - if you have paperwork and are going to see a specialist, bring what you have.  Do not assume that they will have it, too, as they just might not.  Or they might not have all of it.  Or whatever.  Having our paperwork with us helped move the appointment along.

The main reason for the appointment was that some clotting issues showed up in my blood work while I was at the hospital.  Turns out that are some issues, but nothing that would have caused Allie to pass nor anything that will prevent us from trying again.  I need to get some repeat blood work this week, but it looks like folic acid and maybe Vitamin B will fix the issue. We can handle that!  In fact, the doctor wants me to start taking folic acid as soon as I get the blood work so that it’s in my system for when we get pregnant again. If that is not optimistic talk, I am not sure what is!

The doctor examined my file and he, as with my OB, could not come up with a reason why Allie was born still.  No reason sounds bad, but in a way, it’s really not.  No reason means there is no reason that we can’t try again.  If there was a specific cause or reason, that might be a red flag for future pregnancies.  

The doctor was glad to hear we were in grief counseling as he knows the importance of healing emotionally, too.

If/when we get pregnant again, MFM will be involved from the start.  We will have ultrasounds every 4 weeks or so and more if we want them.  We will be monitored closely and every precaution will be taken.  Now I know that we could have had all of that with Allie and that still would not have saved her, but I am going to not focus on that as that kind of thinking will get me nowhere! I am choosing to focus on the fact that the specialist believes we can get pregnant again and that we can carry a healthy baby to term.  At least that is what I got out of the meeting this morning!

1 in 87 pregnancies result in twins, so it’s unlikely that we will get twins.  The idea of multiples is so enticing as Gary and I both wanted 2 kids and I am not sure we will want to go through 2 more pregnancies.  We asked if there was any reason to try fertility drugs to help our chances of twins but he said no.  If they happen naturally, they will take very good care of us, but there is no reason to try for them as there are just too many risk factors. We can accept that.

So when my body is all healed, everything is back on track, and Gary and I feel like we are ready, we can try to make Allie an older sister.  Looks like we might have a busy Fall!  For the first time in many weeks, I feel hope.   The journey we have been on has many more twists and turns along the way, but I want to keep going to see where it takes us.