You see, my living daughter is in competition with my dead one.
Ouch, huh?
Miranda is jealous that we have a picture of Allie's feet hanging up near our fireplace. The feet make an image of a heart, and it's the only photo of Allie that we have displayed. And yet Miranda feels threatened by it.
Miranda is jealous that we see butterflies and think of her sister. She wants to be the butterfly. She has even told me on more than one occasion that she wished we named her Butterfly, instead of Miranda. Um, no.
Is it that we talk to much about the daughter we lost? To be honest, I do not think we do. Is it that Miranda is envious that someone came before her? I could see that as she got older, but not at five. I do not care how precocious she is!
Where does this sense of envy come from? And why does she feel that there is a competition?
Last night at dinner, Miranda glanced over at the picture of Allie's feet and asked why we did not have a picture of her feet framed. I explained that we only had a limited time with Allie and that image was one of our favorites. I went on to say that we are lucky enough to have enough time with Miranda that we can take all the photos we want. We do not need to have an image of her feet. We have her face beaming back at us from pretty much every wall in this house.
She paused and then asked me why M gave her away? WHAT THE WHAT? I guess the adoption talk did resonate. Why, though, was it only talking about Allie's death that she questioned where she came from? I calmly explained that M did not give her away. She picked Gary and me to be her parents because she knew we could provide the kind of life for her that she deserved. A family with a mommy and a daddy. Her own room. The chance to go to preschool and meet friends and get a head-start on learning. Cousins. Extended family. Vacations. And so much more. That seemed to satisfy her for now.
I love that Miranda is so thirsty for knowledge, both in the classroom and out. I wonder, though, how much what happened before she was even born is going to shape her? And why is she in a competition with someone who clearly cannot compete back?
Both of my girls are so special to me. My heart is bursting with love for each one. Different love, of course. Allie's love is that of a proud parent who feels a surge when she gets the opportunity to talk about her. Miranda's love is that of an actively parenting adult who gets to see her daughter interact with new kittens, get her tiny ears pierced, and prepare for kindergarten. (And that was all just last week!).
I do not want to sell either of them short, and I want to make sure I am doing right by them both. In a way, I want them both to float and neither to ever sting.
Time will surely help me figure out how to keep explaining life to the one while remembering and honoring the other one in death.
What a tangled path I walk on every day. It's a wonder I don't trip more.
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