Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Name

"I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are
Come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name"
-Goo Goo Dolls 

I do not know Allie's name like I know Miranda's name. Miranda's name gets spoken very frequently. We use it when we address her. We use it when we talk about her. We insert it into songs in music class and books and stories of make-believe. We utter it over and over and over.

Allie's name is more like a whisper. We do not get to use it nearly as much. Once and a while, Gary and I say her name when we have a memory that we are trying to hold onto or a story we are recalling. It's very different.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. For this month, I wear a special bracelet. I
change my profile picture on Facebook. I make plans to attend a balloon release with my family. I try to say Allie's name even more.

Then what happens? November rolls in and everything goes back to the way it was? Not for us. Never.

It's such a tangled web to grieve four years after a loss. Thankfully, the emotions are not nearly as raw or sharp, but that means they are also easier to tuck away. 

I am starting to think about how we will tell Miranda about Allie. We mention her now, but not in a way that she understands and I think that is deliberate. When we went to pick out our pumpkins this year, I wanted Miranda to get two. I did not specifically say why, though. I always want things in pairs - for both our girls - but that is hard when one is not here. 

When the time is right, I know we will know. Just like we will know how to talk about adoption. And religion. And politics. Ok, we probably have time for politics!

I guess I just miss Allie. I miss what she would have been. I miss what she could have been. I miss the sound of her name. 

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