I am so weepy these days. Several times a day, my eyes well up and the tears come. I have to imagine it's because we are so close to Allie's first birthday. Or maybe it's because of the medication I am on that is hopefully going to help us get pregnant. Or maybe it is because I am reliving this week last year and am in awe of where I am a year later.
This day last year was our last ultrasound. Heartbeat was good - everything was fine. The nurse whispered that she was sorry it was taking longer than ususal - the woman in the room next to us had suffered a "fetal demise". We were horrified. At first, we did not even know what she meant. No way did we know that was going to be us in a little over 48 hours.
Today, I ordered the sandwiches for her party. My dear friend is an expert baker and she is making cupcakes. I will stop on my way home tonight and get soda and juice for the kids. I want to get some fresh flowers so the house feels happy. On Saturday, I will get the balloons that we will release into the sky.
On Sunday, we will have our "nearest and dearest" over to celebrate and honor our daughter. How do you honor someone who is not here? Someone who you never got the chance to meet? I guess by loving and appreciating your own life and the lives of the parents of that child. By remembering how special those weeks were when we talked about if she would look more like her mommy or her daddy. When we mused over if she would be funny and sassy like her mom (if I can be so bold to say) or smart and thoughtful and into comics like her dad.
Several people have mentioned to me that it will be nice once the 22nd has come and gone for then we will be out of "firsts". I tend to agree. Mother's Day might be hard, but hell - if I survived it last year, I sure as heck can survive this year!
I promised to make a scrapbook for Allie's first birthday. I slowly realized that it's become more of a chore than something I have a desire to do so I am going to put that on hold for now. I want to do it and I will do it - but when the time is right and not when I feel like I "have" to do it.
I met with our Wellness Coach at work today (someone who comes in and meets with the employees to check on their overall health and well being) and as soon as I walked into her office, I could feel those familiar tears coming back. She was kind and compassionate and asked me what I was doing to de-stress. Exercise, I said. Nope, she said. That is great, but it's not relaxing. Hmmm...interesting. She insisted that Gary and I pack a lunch and head to a local park and have a picnic lunch. I like that idea. Easier and more flexible with my schedule would be a nice mani/pedi. Ahhh...that sounds nice. And it was doctor recommended! But I am not dismissing the idea of the picnic...
One of my oldest friends gave me a plaque with this quote on it for my birthday this year:
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ― A.A. Milne
I can't read it enough. Thank you. I think perhaps I am...perhaps we all are. All that loved our little girl and miss her every single day.