Guess who's back, back again?

Ok, so not Shady. Me!

I have wanted to write, I really have. It's so cathartic for me, but I have run into a problem that I was just able to talk out yesterday. Without the ability to do that, I got stuck.

Here's my dilemma - I do not want my living child to grow up in the shadow of my dead one.

Heavy stuff, right? Especially for a Monday!

So here's the thing. Miranda would not exist if not for Allie. Had Allie not been conceived, loved, cared for and adored for 37 weeks and 1 day, and then died, she may have lived. And had she lived, would we have wanted another child? Would we have had fertility issues and then decided on adoption and then gotten all our classes and paperwork done in time for M to get pregnant, decided she wanted to place her baby for adoption and then choose Gary and me to be her parents? Probably not.

Miranda does not exist with Allie. But Allie existed for two years without Miranda.

How do I talk about one child without the other?

I don't. And there's nothing wrong with that. Parents tend to talk about all their kids. 

I feel like I am cheating Allie by talking about Miranda more. But Miranda is here and needs me. Allie is not.

My first born would be eight years old in a few weeks. That's a full-fledged reader. That's no booster seat in the car. That's a whole lot of things that are unfamiliar to me. If she were alive and I was parenting her, I would know eight better. But she's not, and I don't.

Back to Miranda being in Allie's shadow. Every butterfly, every sun flare, every extra twinkle of a star, we think of Allie. We say it aloud, and we get happy and then sad. Miranda has lived with that her whole life. Is that fair to her? Does she get jealous of a child only lives in our hearts?

Of the hundreds of photos that we took in Disney last month, this one is one of my favorites. I took it with my phone - it's not one of the professional ones. But it shows Gary with both our girls. And I adore it.

Is that fair?

Is life fair?

What is fair?

The thing is, I have a good life. I have a family that I love and that loves me in return. I have the best friends a girl could want or need. I have a job that I am passionate about and that gives me so much more than a paycheck. That should be enough.

And it is. 

I just worry that I am cheating Miranda out of a blissful childhood with a somewhat realistic one.

Maybe all of "this" will just prepare her to be a better youth and then teen and then young adult.

I sure hope so.

Maybe one day she will realize she is as lucky as me.

I definitely hope so.