The Struggle is Real

Look at me! I just lost 7 pounds!  Woo hoo!

No, this is not an old blog. It's a very current one. If I am going to document my weight loss journey, then I must show all sides.

There was the losing side. The pictures of me in various dressing rooms as I went down size after size after size. The excitement. The pride. The skinny jeans.

There was the stabilization side. The reintroduction of certain foods back into my diet. The pizza. The ice cream. The wine.

Now there is the maintenance side. The realization that I have not conquered my weight. I did not "fix" myself because in truth, I was not broken. What I was, though, was someone who made bad choices and when left to my own devices, turns out, will sometimes make them again.

But not so fast.

Now I know to step on the scale if I am not eating well to see the damage. Now I know to lace up my sneakers even if I am tired. Now I know that I am not the kind of person who can eat whenever or wherever I want. I need to plan. I need to prepare. I need to not forget all that I learned about myself and my body and I need to make sure I always remember why I wanted to lose the weight in the first place.

I want to be around for the long haul. I want to be able to play with my daughter without being winded. I want her to be proud of me. I want me to be proud of me.

I am. And one day, she will be. Not because I am "thin" or a size 10, but because I took the steps necessary to put myself first and take care of myself.

The numbers on the scale do not define me. The numbers on the tags do not own me. It is up to me to make smart choices and if it is a struggle, then so be it. After all, isn't what we struggle for the most sometimes what we also appreciate the most?

#tbt

Throwback Thursday is a trend among social media sites such as Instagram, Twitter and Facebook wherein users post or repost older photographs (often from their childhood) with the hashtag #ThrowbackThursday or #TBT.

I love participating in this trend. I have posted old pictures of myself, my family, and my friends. I think it is so cool to see, in living color, the different phases of my life.

I have been having a lot of dreams lately about my pregnancy. Sometimes in my dreams, the pregnancy is current and not years ago. But the baby is always Allie.

As I have written so many times before, without Allie, there would be no Miranda. So, I cannot allow myself to think too much about a world in which Allie was here because that would mean that we would have never adopted and we would never have Miranda. Sometimes, though, I like to "throwback" to when I was first pregnant and everything was ahead of us and we did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl and the biggest hardship was figuring out what car seat to buy and what color to paint the nursery.

We were so naive. And that was so ok.

I miss the naivety. I miss the innocence.

For such a long time after Allie died, it was too hard to look back at all we shared with her. It hurt too much. Now that time has passed and our hearts have mended, it's not only easier, but it's cathartic. To be reminded of the love we shared, the excitement we had, the way the world was ours to conquer...it's pretty great.

Pregnant people used to make me so jealous. Then they made me so worried. Now they just make me cautiously optimistic that a healthy baby will someday be born.

I have no interest in getting pregnant again. I have no desire to adopt again. I am happy with our life as it is now. Miranda is our joy and pride and hope and the three of us work well together. The older she gets, the more we can do and the more we can share. We can provide for her and love her and enjoy her. 

A family from our adoption agency contacted us last week to ask for a referral. We gladly gave them one. A friend from my support group reached out to a bunch of us to ask when we can get together with a family who just lost their child.  I sadly said any time. That is my life now. Assisting others with bringing a baby home or helping others deal with the grief and the emptiness of not bringing one home.

Allie is woven into the fabric of our family. Miranda knows that butterflies are extra special. One day, we will explain why.

I tried to take a social media break earlier this week. I lasted three days. The fact of the matter is, I just enjoy sharing my life and experiences with my friends and family too much to stop. And not just on Thursday's. Pretty much every day! It's just as much a part of me as anything else. And I am ok with that.

Back to School

It seems that everyone is going back to school. I adore looking at the pics of all the kids, dressed in their finest, some grinning, some not, all heading back to school. Some are new schools with new friends, some are old schools with old friends. All have new memories just waiting to be made.

I wonder about the kids that will never get to meet a little girl named Allie. She will never get to pose for her back to school pic. She will never get to do so many things. That makes me sad.

I wonder about the kids that will one day get to meet a little girl named Miranda. She is bubbly and determined and funny and bright. She will get to do whatever her heart desires. That makes me happy.

I am stuck in a land of missing what will never happen and the land of being excited for what will happen. 

The very first thing I did this morning was send our monthly e-mail to Miranda's birth mother. We send it the first of the month and I like to send it first thing. I recap the last month and send pictures. I do not resent those e-mails. I see them as a way to keep M informed and I still think it is the least we can do for her as she gave us the most amazing gift in the world.

I start writing the e-mail in my head a few days before. I reflect on what we have done and how she has grown. I almost always wonder how much of Miranda is us and how much of her is her birth parents. Her humor is from me (I like to think!). Her love of animals is from Gary (we both think!). There are some traits that I think she was born with. She has no fear and she is is adventurous. I think those came with her. And I do not resent them, either. If anything, I am grateful for them. They are part of what makes her so amazing.

There is no question that Miranda is ours. Sometimes I worry that she might not always see it that way. The older she gets, the more questions she will have. Will we be ready?

Yesterday, we went to the beach. Miranda squealed with delight as her toes touched the sand and the waves rolled up around her. We built castles and picked seashells and ran with carefree abandon. We walked the boardwalk and ate frozen custard. It was the perfect day. 

I cherish those perfect days so very much. It wasn't that long ago that I doubted I would ever have them. Remembering that, helps me live in the present and not in the past. Here's to spending more time in the land of what will happen...

A Gift

“Happiness doesn't result from what we get, but from what we give.”

― Ben Carson
 

I love a good gift. Always have. I love the anticipation of a gift. I love the thinking behind what the gift could be. I love when I am surprised by a gift. There is nothing about a gift that I do not like.

Gifts to me used to only come in packages. They were as I described them above. And while I still love those kinds of gifts, I have come to realize that there are even better gifts out there.

The gift of love. The gift of companionship. The gift of friendship. The gift of family. The gift of a child.

So much of my life as a parent is taking care of this little person who can't really take care of herself just yet. Sometimes she rewards me with smiles and giggles and in the long run, the ability to learn how to do many of those things herself. Sometimes we are paid back with tears and tantrums. No matter what the reward, we still keep giving.

What is interesting to me is that we give and give with very little expectation of getting anything in return. Not when they are babies. Not even when they are toddlers.  And then, before you know it, your child learns out to say "thank you" and "please" and "I am so proud of you, Mama" and you know that you are doing the right thing. Your gift is giving back.

Miranda is really starting to comprehend her world around her. She loves animals and ice cream and books. She loves swimming and running and playing outside. She knows when she is "good" and likes to think that she is never "bad". The truth is, she is often both at the same time!

Within the next week, she will be transitioning to a new class at daycare. She will be in "Get Set"  which is the class that will "get her set" for preschool. She will learn to use a real cup and not a sippy cup. She will learn to use the potty. She will learn how to be more independent.

Our little "gift" is learning each day and in return, teaching us more and more each day. 

As far as I am concerned, that is the best gift of all.

I'm Already Torn

"Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn"

-Natalie Imbruglia

Summer is winding down. Our week in the mountains is behind us. I think we are in the midst of our last heat wave. Soon the days will be shorter and the nights will be longer.

Last week we got a letter saying that Miranda would be moving to the next class in September. A new season is almost upon us.

This year, more than last, I find myself torn. My heart hurts for all the firsts that Allie will not get to accomplish. She is not moving up a level in school. She is not transitioning to a big girl bed. She is not about to be potty trained. She doesn't have a favorite food or a favorite Disney princess.

While I am so excited that Miranda gets to do all these things (with the exception of the potty training!), it also makes me sad. I have learned to let myself feel the sadness as it will not go away just by wishing it would. Will I always feel this sorrow?

For the most part, I really do live in the moment. I celebrate the joy that is our rainbow baby each and every day. She is talking more and really communicating now. She laughs at the silliest things and when she is not laughing, she is making us laugh. She is strong-willed and determined and smart and kind. Some of that is genetics, but I suspect some of it also is the way she is being raised. With all I do and all I am, she is easily my biggest source of pride.

Some days, I can't help but wonder what kind of child Allie would be. In my mind, she is still the infant that I held in the hospital. She is not a 4-year old girl. And that's the thing. She never will be more than the infant she was. To sound like a certain 2-year old I know, "It's not fair." It's just not.

I see butterflies everywhere. At my niece's 2nd birthday party on Sunday, all of the cousins were playing outside. Just then, a beautiful monarch flew right in front of Gary and me. I actually turned to him and said, "All the kids are here today." Most days, that is enough. Today, though, I want more. I want to be shopping for back-to-school clothes for my first daughter. I want to know what her new classroom will look like. I want to know who her teacher will be.

I am torn. So very torn.

I love both of my girls equally. There is no doubt about that. Most people see us as a family of three, but we are very much a family of four. Chances are, I will spend many a day wondering about what could have been. But in a way, that negates what is. Thus, the feeling of being torn.

I love what I had. I love what I have. I love them both so very much.

Live and Learn

Sometimes you have to live something to really understand it. For example, my friend celebrated her son's first birthday over the weekend. She spent $80 on balloons for the party. I was shocked! I told her we always go to the grocery store or the dollar store for balloons. She sighed and said she just had no idea they would be that much. Then she said, "live and learn". 

She was so right! I bet the only way I knew how to get balloons (or anything for that matter) at a good rate was to either spend too much in the first place or to have someone else spend too much. You have to live to learn.

We are slowly getting back into the swing of things after our vacation last week. Which was really a "re-location" more than a vacation. Since Miranda is now in a bed, she was able to get out of her bed (and her room!) whenever she pleased. So there was not a lot of napping on our trip. And since she did not nap much, she was a little crankier than usual (translation: hot mess) so we were all on edge a bit. Live and learn. That being said, we had a lovely week overall and laughed a whole lot. We made some great memories and had some wonderful experiences and my mom even came up for a few days and got to share in some real quality time with all of us and there is not much (aside from the napping!) that I would change.

The day my mom arrived, Miranda and mom and I were outside playing. A neighbor walked by with her dog and Miranda's face exploded with joy. We went over to pet the pup and found out his name was Allie.  My reply? Of course it was. A dog named Sam is almost common. But a dog named Allie? And a boy dog at that? I guess it was just a way of our girl letting us know she was on vacation with us. Live and learn.

While on vacation, we went out for ice cream a few times. My mom and I had happy hour every night. We had burgers and hotdogs. There may have been some cider donuts, too. I enjoyed every morsel of every bite of food. I did not enjoy the scale when I got home, though. So I put on my sneakers and went for a run. Then I did the same thing the next day. The scale looked better today. It will look even better tomorrow. Live and learn.

Everything we do is somehow connected to our past or our future. I am finally understanding that while I cannot control the past, I can at least shape how the future will turn out. I do not want to be overweight again. So I am going to take steps to make sure I am not. I can keep eating like I did last week and be back to where I was in no time at all, or I can practice what I preach to my weight loss clients (and to myself) and get back on track and feel good about how to fix my mistakes. I chose the latter.

Miranda is back in school today so she is back to her routine, too. We work well with routines around here.

How do I know that? Live and learn, of course!

Vacation!

No matter what happens, travel gives you a story to tell.
-- Jewish Proverb 

We left for our annual mountain vacation on Saturday afternoon. Filled with anticipation, excitement and curiosity.  We wondered how Miranda would do this year. Last year, although she had a blast, she resisted the pack n' play and none of us got much sleep. Still, the pros outweighed the cons and we decided to try it again.

We are in the same community as last year, but a different rental home. It's the perfect place for us - there is a lake and a pool and a kiddie pool. There are deer and bears and not that many mosquitoes! It's quaint and quiet and really peaceful.

Gary and I are very much "rule followers". Miranda has a schedule that we like to adhere to daily. It works for her and it works for us.

Except on vacation!

Miranda is so much in sensory overload that she is refusing to sleep. She crawls right out of her big girl bed and walks down the hall to our room to announce that she is up. She has stayed up HOURS past her bedtime at night, reading us stories and entertaining us. We are in a ranch house, so it's perfectly safe. That's the upside. The downside is that all three of us are exhausted.

We are doing our best to roll with it. Instead of a nap yesterday, we went out for ice cream. Instead of one today, we are going to the pool. I guess she can sleep when we get home...

Seeing the world through her eyes is such a joy for us both. In spite of our exhaustion, we are having the best time. Miranda squeals with delight when she hears an owl hoot or sees a colorful bird fly by and we can't help but smile with her.  

There are so many things we want to do with our daughter. So many adventures to have. I do not want to rush time as I so enjoy living in the moment with her, but I anxiously await the time that we can do even more. One day, she might not want to snuggle with us or hold our hands or give us kisses for no reason. So we want to enjoy these days as much as we can.

We are here for a few more days. My mom is on her way up now to spend a few days with us. I warned her to get her sleep before she came! Like us, there is nowhere else she would rather be right now.

Here's the to memories, the stories...and maybe, if we are lucky, the sleep...